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Ash's Dialogue

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Putting in Bounty ItemEdit

First TimeEdit

  • Winslow: Mr. Williams, your turn to put something extra on the table.
    Ash: Your funeral, guys. (takes out the Necronomicon and lays it across the table)
    Winslow: Is that the Necronomicon Ex Mortis? The cursed book of the dead? Wrapped in the flesh of a demon whose words bring death and destruction to all who read them?
    Ash: No, it's a cook book. Of course it's the Necronomicon! Now, let's play!

Following TimesEdit

  • Winslow: Ashley? If you would?
    (Ash puts the book on the table)
    Ash: I really hope one of you guys takes this off my hands this time.

ResponsesEdit

TauntingEdit

"Call My Bet!" (at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Trying to read my face for tells, huh? Well, good luck with that. I've taken so many blows to the head that the muscles in my face twitch for no damn reason at all. See? *slight twitch*
  • You should know that a Williams never bluffs, except when we do.
  • Call, fold, it's all the same to me.
  • Yup, that's a tough decision alright.

"Call His Bet!" (at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Impressive.
  • Cool.
  • Ooh. Gutsy.

ThinkingEdit

(standard; before [calling/betting/raising to make] at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Hold on...
  • Well...
  • ...think, think, think...
  • Hmmm...
  • Ah.
  • Hmm, what would Chuck Finley do...?
  • C'mon Ash, it's only money...
  • It's a lot easier deciding which deadite to shoot...
  • I knew I should've paid more attention in algebra!

(with a big bet to call; at least 5x the full blind)Edit

  • Hmmm, I don't know...
  • Hmm... Wendy and I could repair the Oldsmobile with that money.
  • Hoo doggie, that's a lot of simoleons...

(after consecutive small bets/raises and/or calls; before [calling/raising to make] at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Wait a minute, this is getting complicated...
  • Somebody's bluffing here...
  • Trying to gang up on me, huh?

Player BetsEdit

(general)Edit

  • Spicy.
  • Way to go out on a limb there, Captain Courageous.
  • Okay, then.

(big bet; at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Ha! Good one.
  • Not bad!
  • Well helloooo, Mr Fancypants!

BettingEdit

(general)Edit

  • Bet!
  • *chuckles* Bet.
  • I'll bet...
  • I'll bet.
  • Yeah, I'll bet.
  • Okay, I'll... bet.

(small bet; less than 6x the full blind)Edit

  • Hmm. I wonder if I can sucker you into betting... THIS much.
  • I'll keep this friendly.
  • Time to bait the trap.
  • Let's prime the pump.
  • Try not to freak out, I'm just tossing out a few of my extra chips.

(big bet; at least 6x the full blind)Edit

  • Let's super-size that.
  • I'm betting you've got jack and shit under there. And Jack left town.
  • Let's take these chips out for a drive.
  • Wake up and smell the chips!
  • I think I'll let "Bad" Ash handle my betting for a while.
  • Time to roll out the big guns.
  • Okay, enough of this penny ante bullshit!
  • All right you chip-hungry weirdos, listen up! This...is my WAGER!

Player RaisesEdit

(standard)Edit

  • Okay, then.

(big raise; to make more than 4x the blind)Edit

(standard)Edit
  • I'm tryin' to figure out what you're thinkin', and it's making my brain hurt.
  • Nice.
(while still in play)Edit
  • Aw, come on!
  • And here I thought we were playing a FRIENDLY game of high-stakes poker.
(after folding)Edit
  • Ouch.
  • That was evil. And I know a little something about evil.

RaisingEdit

(general)Edit

  • I raise.
  • Raise.
  • Raise...
  • I'll... raise.
  • Let's raise.
  • Okay, raise.

(small raise; to make less than 6x the full blind)Edit

  • I'll see that... and add a few more.
  • I'll see your bet and sprinkle on just a little bit more for flavouring.
  • I'll throw in a few more just to keep things interesting.

(big raise; to make at least 6x the full blind)Edit

  • Let's super-size that.
  • I'm betting you've got jack and shit under there. And Jack left town.
  • I'm gonna see that bet, then hide it under a pile of chips so it won't get embarrassed.
  • Try not to take this raise personally.
  • You'll never impress the ladies with bets like that.
  • Looks like we're gonna need a bigger pot.

(exclusive: reraise)Edit

  • Well, since all the cool kids are doing it, let's throw ANOTHER raise on the fire.
  • I didn't want to do this, but this pot needs WAY more chips.
  • You call that a raise? Here, let me show you how we do it in housewares.
  • You wanna go? Let's go!
  • Go big or go home.

Player ChecksEdit

  • (sarcastically) Ooh, decisive.
  • Way to go out on a limb there, Captain Courageous.

CheckingEdit

(general)Edit

  • Check.
  • I'll check.
  • I'll check that.
  • Check!
  • Check...

(last to check)Edit

  • All these checks better be going somewhere.
  • So, we've all got nothing then, huh? Check.
  • (sarcastically) Nothing like a night of high-stakes poker. Check.
  • You're gonna let me stay in this for free? Your funeral, buddy.
  • (jokingly) Guys, guys, slow down. All the excitement's killing me. Check.
  • Someone's writing checks their hands can't cash and it sure as heck ain't me.
  • (maniacal laughter) Oh, sorry, sorry. Inside joke. You had to be there. Check.
  • (to the tune of the "Army of Darkness" prologue) ♪ Check check check check check check check check cheeeeck. ♪
  • Call me...Checkman.

Player Calls a Big Bet; more than 4x the full blindEdit

  • I'm tryin' to figure out what you're thinkin', and it's making my brain hurt.
  • Okay, then.
  • Nice.
  • Hmmm.

CallingEdit

(general)Edit

  • I call.
  • I... call.
  • Call.
  • Call!
  • Yeah, I'll call.
  • Yeah, I'm in.
  • Eh, I'm in.

(calling the blinds)Edit

  • I've got a bad feeling about this...
  • This is gonna get ugly, isn't it?
  • Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy hand.
  • Wild deadites couldn't keep me out of this party.

(calling small bet; less than 6x the full blind)Edit

  • That's all? Really?
  • I think I can dig a few quarters out of the sofa to call that...
  • It's gonna take a lot more than THAT to scare off Ashley J. Williams.
  • I'm not sure what you're trying to do here, but it's not working. Call.
  • (sarcastically defending) Oh noooo, how'm I gonna call a big bad bet like that? Oh, I know. With these.

(calling big bet; at least 6x the full blind)Edit

  • Now THIS is a little more like it. Call.
  • This is probably a mistake but so were my last three girlfriends.
  • Ah, hell. Let's dive in and see what happens.
  • Most men'd be scared away by a bet like that. But I'm not most men.
  • Nice try, sunshine.

(at the river before the showdown)Edit

(general) Edit
  • No way I'm pulling out now.
  • Time to pay the piper, gentlemen.
  • Showtime, ladies.
  • Lock and load...
  • I probably shouldn't do this, but I really gotta know what you've got under there.
(if there hasn't been a showdown in a while) Edit
  • Looks like it's time for Ashley J. to put an end to this origami party.

Can't Afford BlindEdit

  • Here goes nothin'.
  • Gimme some good ones, GLaDOS...

All InEdit

(betting/raising)Edit

(general)Edit
  • All in.
  • All right... all in.
  • I'm... all in.
  • All... in.
  • All. In.
(more than $1,200)Edit
  • All right. Who wants some?
  • All in, baby!
  • You know, in all the excitement, I've kind of lost track of this hand, so I'm just gonna GO ALL IN.
  • You think you've got the cards to take down the king? Well, here's your chance, Mr. Fancypants.
  • Ash: Time to separate the men from the boys, ladies!
    GLaDOS: Mr. Williams has placed the remainder of his chips in the pot. And apparently part of his brain.
    Ash: Hey!

(calling)Edit

  • Ah, what the hell. Heh. Guess I'll call.
  • All in.
  • All in, baby.
  • Looks like I'm all in.

All In (reaction)Edit

(standard)Edit

  • Aw, hell.
  • Whoa.
  • Impressive.

(while duelling with The Player)Edit

  • Crap.

Player Folds (After the Flop is Revealed)Edit

  • Really?
  • Smart move.
  • Hmph.

FoldingEdit

(general)Edit

  • Fold.
  • I'll fold.
  • Blergh.
  • Nah.
  • Nope.
  • Nuh-uh.

(last to fold)Edit

  • Damn! Take it.
  • I think I'll just let you have this one.
  • I'll get you later.
  • Mama Williams always told me to pick my battles carefully... and I'm not picking this one.
  • Meh... You can have it, but only because I feel sorry for you. (Editor's Note: the subtitles actually read: "Meh... You can have it, but only because I think some of my chips are cursed.")
  • They say, "Curiousity killed the cat." Fortunately, I'm not much of a cat person.
  • S-Mart isn't paying me enough for this action.
  • That's wayyy too many chips for these cards.
  • Too rich for my blood. Or...whoever's blood this is...
  • These cards aren't good enough to risk my honeymoon money.
  • This pot's gotten too big to fail.

(leaving at least two opponents still in play)Edit

  • That's a little too much action for me.
  • I'm getting out of this bloodbath before it stains my shirt.
  • Now I may not be the smartest guy in this hand, but I AM smart enough to get the hell out of it.
  • Too many cooks spoil the pot. I'm out.

(pre-flop)Edit

  • I think I'll stay out of this one.
  • Maybe next time.
  • I'd put these cards out of their misery, but I don't want to waste a bullet.
  • These cards smell like the inside of a hockey mask.
  • I wouldn't feed these cards to my dog. And I don't even LIKE my dog.
  • This is one rickety bridge I'm NOT crossing.
  • Sometimes the best way to stay out of trouble is to run away from it.
  • The last time I saw something that sucked this bad, it pulled my ass right into the 14th century.
  • Even I'M not charming enough to bluff my way out of this one.
  • Y'know, I don't feel like flexing my bluff muscles on this one.

(exclusive: consecutive pre-flop folds)Edit

  • Ash: Yo, she-bot. Think you can get me some better cards next time?
    GLaDOS:
    I would, but you didn't say the magic word. So now I will be obliged to continue dealing you junk.
  • Ash: Y'know, I'm starting to get a little angry at these crummy cards. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
    GLaDOS: I don't like you now.
  • Ash: You're killing me here, GLaDOS.
    GLaDOS: If I were actually killing you, there'd be a lot more screaming. And irony.
  • And this is me folding... again.
  • I hope all this trash is recyclable.
  • This deck's got colder than my ex-girlfriend. The zombie, not the demon. She was actually kind of hot.

(anytime after the flop is revealed) Edit

  • Well, that was a bad idea.
  • Okay, that was a mistake. Fold.
  • Yeah, I know how this story turns out... fold.
  • A fool and his money are soon parted. Fool me twice, well... we won't get fooled again.
  • Time for a strategic withdrawal.

(at the flop)Edit

  • I haven't seen a flop that bad since the last time I tried to watch a soccer match.
  • I'm gonna fold before this thing tries to eat my face.
  • It was fun while it lasted.
  • Yeah, this hand has fusterclark written all over it. Fold.
  • Honey, this hand just got REAL ugly.

(at the turn)Edit

  • Well, that was useless.
  • This boat's way too leaky to go to the river.
  • I don't believe in the No-Win scenario. But I do believe in the Probably-Not-Going-To-Win scenario. Fold.
  • I'm cutting off this hand before it tries to kill me.
  • Oof, that turn was more like a U-Turn.

(at the river)Edit

  • What the hell possessed me to stay in this hand?
  • Well, THIS hand has been a teachable moment. Fold.
  • I should've put this hand in its grave a long time ago.
  • Sorry for wasting your time, gents.
  • (if the Player has ordered a drink for him)
    Hands like that could drive a guy to drink. (pause) Oh, look! (takes a quick swig)
  • Blech. What a waste of a good hand.

Large Pot (at least $20,000)Edit

  • Now that's what I call a pot!
  • A guy could pay off a LOT of bill collectors with a stake like that...

Showdown (Before Hole Card Reveal)Edit

  • Here goes nothin'.
  • Put your seatbacks in their upright positions, kids.

Showdown Card Reveal (Positive)Edit

(general; 66%-100%)Edit

  • Yeah.
  • Ha!
  • Cool.
  • That's the stuff.
  • Who's your daddy?

(after hole card reveal; 66%-99%)Edit

  • Never bring a knife to a chainsaw fight, kids.

Showdown Card Reveal (Negative)Edit

(general; 0%-34%)Edit

  • Crap!
  • Aw, jeez.
  • Damn.
  • Sunuva...
  • What the hell?!

(after hole card reveal; 1%-34%)Edit

  • Eh, I've come back from worse.

(exclusive: 0% chance of winning before the river's reveal)Edit

  • ...wait, did I just lose there?
  • I'm toast, aren't I?
  • Looks like my chances just went from squat to jack squat.
  • Boom, headshot.

Showdown Card Reveal (Uncertain/Even Probability; 35%-65%)Edit

(after hole card reveal)Edit

  • Looks like this sucker could go either way. I had a girlfriend like that once. *grins*
  • Not getting nervous on me, are ya?
  • Hmmm...
  • Well...

During ShowdownEdit

  • (evil laughter)
  • Come on, come on...

WinningEdit

(winning a showdown and/or duelling with The Player)Edit

  • Groovy.
  • All righty.
  • Boom.
  • Come to daddy.
  • It's good to be the King.
  • Alright, super-groovy.

(stealing the pot/everyone folds to him)Edit

  • Like taking candy from a baby.
  • Poker ain't a game for cowards.
  • (stealing a large pot) That was a little TOO easy.
  • (stealing a small pot) That was easy, TOO easy.
  • Don't kick yourself. I would've folded too. But, y'know, in a manlier way.
  • I was probably bluffing that time but thanks for playing along.

(exclusive: consecutive wins)Edit

  • Someone get a hose, 'cause I'm on fire, baby!
  • Another pot for me? You shouldn't have.
  • The Ash and Wendy Williams Honeymoon Fund thanks you for your continued support.
  • Looks like the ol' Williams Curse is goin' the way of the dodo.
  • Ha! Nothing can stop me now!

(exclusive: after a long winless streak)Edit

  • That's a little more like it.
  • That's a relief. I was starting to think I was cursed... again.
  • And that's when I began my comeback...
  • Now we're talking.

Gets Good Hand (Straight or Better), But Still Didn't WinEdit

  • You gotta be KIDDING me!
  • NooooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!
  • Ouch. Oof, that's gonna leave a mark.
  • Good hand... (under his breath) ...ya lucky son-of-a-bitch!

Player Wins With a Good Hand (AK, QQ, KK, AA or at least Three of a Kind)/Wins a Hand in Omaha Hold 'EmEdit

  • Nice hand. Almost as nice as THIS one. (shows his actual hand)
  • Well, yeah, ANYONE could win with those cards.
  • Not bad, Spanky.

Player Has a Bad Hand (High Card/One Pair)Edit

  • Oooh. That's...not good.
  • I don't think I would've had the stones to stick with that hand.
  • Woah! That's a bad hand. And believe me, I know a few little things about bad hands.
  • No offense, but are you sure you know how this game works?
  • Y'know, there's a fine line between crazy and brilliant... and you're somewhere over there in "dumbass."
  • Man, that hand was capital-D Dumb.

Loses With an Even Worse Hand Than The Player (High Card)Edit

  • I lost to that?!

Splitting the PotEdit

(general) Edit

  • A tie, great. Wanna flip for it?

(low on funds) Edit

  • I guess THAT could've been worse.

Starting a Duel with the PlayerEdit

(general)Edit

  • And then there were two...
  • Looks like it's just you, me, and the creepy robot babe.
  • You ready to try and take down the King, kid?
  • You're still here?

(exclusive: within the first raising of the blinds)Edit

  • Whoa, those other jokers have a hot date or something?

(exclusive: With the Bounty Item out)

  • Y'know, as much as I'd like to be rid of this damn thing, I'm gonna have to take you down for your own good. (NOTE: to be confirmed)

Player is EliminatedEdit

(general)Edit

  • Why don't you get yourself a lemonade while the grown-ups sort this out.
  • You know what I always say in situations like this? (the camera moves as though the Player is shaking his/her/its head) "At least I'm not being attacked by demons."
  • Better luck next time, kid.
  • Sorry about that. Why don't you come back again after you've learned how to keep your creepy eyebrow from twitching when you're bluffing?

(while the Bounty Item is out)Edit

  • Aw, man, what's a guy gotta do to unload a curse around here!?

Eliminated From PlayEdit

  • You guys are all ringers, aren't ya?
  • I knew I shouldn't have trusted that gypsy charm.
  • Sorry I couldn't have given you a better game. Next time I'll try not to leave my brain out in the Oldsmobile.
  • Well then. Guess it's time to slam down a few beers and dream up an excuse for losing all that money.
  • Well then. Guess it's time to go over to the bar and dream up a couple dozen good excuses for losing all that money.
  • Ouch. Wendy is gonna KILL me. Well, not literally. At least I hope not. I don't really have a good track record on that front...
  • Damn. If you need me, I'll be over at the bar, hoping for a demon apocalypse.

Player Wins the Tournament (Inventory-Themed Tournaments Only)Edit

  • Good game. You're luckier than you look.
  • Well, at least I lost to someone who knows how to tell a joke.
  • Argh... Wendy's gonna kill me.
  • Nice game, kid, now let's get the hell out of here before this place is overrun with demons!

Player Wins the Bounty ChallengeEdit

  • It's about time! I've been trying to get rid of that damned book for YEARS!

Winning the TournamentEdit

  • Hail to the King, baby!
  • You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
  • Next round's on me, guys.
  • Nice game, guys. Now, if you'll excuse me, me and my girlfriend are going to roll around naked in your money for a while.
  • Ladies, gentlemen, robots, gorillas... It's been a pleasure!
  • Halle-freakin'-lujah!

Player is IdleEdit

  • Um, someone wanna poke the new kid with a stick? I'd do it, but I've had REALLY bad luck checking corpses.
  • You gonna do something, or should we just prop you up in the corner until the paramedics arrive?
  • Look, I know all this math stuff can be confusing, but some of us have lives we'd like to get back to.
  • Yo buddy, stop looking up poker strategies on your cell phone and make a move!
  • Psst, Skippy. Istway ouryay urntay!
  • For the love of mike, just DO something!
  • This isn't a staring contest, junior. Get on with it.
  • Hey, slowpoke! Crap or get get off the pot.

SpecialEdit

No eliminations when the first blind raising occurs

  • Ash: Y'know, if one of us doesn't man up, we're gonna be here all night.
    Brock: After you, stretch.

The Bounty Item is out and no one has been eliminated by the first raising of the blinds.

  • (Ash hasn't been eliminated yet)
    You sure you wanna keep winning, kid? That Necronomicon ain't no Cat in the Hat.

Above condition by the second raising of the blinds

  • (Ash hasn't been eliminated yet)
    You DO know the Necronomicon is cursed, right?

Late in the game of a long tournament where drinks have been purchased

  • Whoah. I think I've had enough. You guys are starting to look like cartoons and video game characters.

When Getting a DrinkEdit

  • For me? Thanks, kid.
  • I never turn down a free drink.
  • Drinks ain't gonna work, Dopey! I play even drunker when I'm smart!
  • Ash: A few more of these and I won't be able to load my boomstick.
    Claptrap: I hear they make pills to help with that. (to confirm)
  • (to Moxxi) Keep 'em comin', sweetheart.

Drinking Edit

  • (hiccup)
  • (quiet burp) 'Scuse me.
  • Ahhh.

Initiating ConversationsEdit

With BrockEdit

  • Ash: Hey Brock, what's it like raising kids?
    Brock: Why're you asking me?
    Ash: I've heard the stories. You're practically co-dad for those Venture boys.
    Brock: I prefer to think of it as being a live-in uncle that gets paid to kill people. You thinking of raising a family?
    Ash: Assuming my swimmers haven't been cursed by demons, yeah. You think it's a good idea?
    Brock: I dunno. On the one hand, Hank and Dean are two of the biggest pains in the asses I've ever had to put up with in my entire ass-pained life.
    Ash: But?
    Brock: But every now and then they do something spectacularly not-lame that surprises the hell out of me. It's the damndest thing.
    Ash: Groovy.
    Brock: Of course, then they're right back to babbling about Batman and screeching like schoolgirls, so I guess it's one of those "take the good with the bad" things.
  • Ash: Nice shirt.
    Brock: Oh thanks. Yeah, I have to buy 'em in bulk. Y'know, between the bloodstains and the ray-gun burns, I go through these things like jock itch in a frat house.
    Ash: You should check out the Boo Franklin line of polo shirts at S-Mart.
    Brock: No offense, Ash, but S-Mart's not exactly known for quality tailoring.
    Ash: That's the old S-Mart. These new Boo shirts have triple stitching around the seams, and advanced stain-fighting microfibers. Alcohol, vomit, blood - it all washes off like water on a goose's butt.
    Brock: No kidding.
    Ash: Best of all, the Boo Franklin polo shirts are all made right here in the U.S.A., so you don't have to worry about tanking the economy.
    Brock: Nice.
    Ash: Not just nice. Smart. S-Mart.
  • Ash: You lookin' at something, Samson?
    Brock: Just admiring the shotgun.
    Ash: That's not just any pea shooter, pops; that's a top-of-the-line twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. Walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and just about the best friend a guy can buy for under a hundred and twenty bucks.
    Brock: Cheap.
    Ash: Not cheap. Smart. S-Mart smart.

With ClaptrapEdit

  • Ash: What's your story, juice box?
    Claptrap: Oh, I'm nothing special. I mean, I WAS the leader of a glorious rebellion that came within a gnat's whisker of tumbling the fascist power structure of an exotic alien world!
    Ash: Not bad.
    Claptrap: But now I'm just a humble robot, last of my kind, trying to get by in a cold, cruel universe.
    Ash: That's one hell of a story arc ya got there.
    Claptrap: I know. I'm trying to sell it to J.J. Abrams, but I need a 3rd act.

With SamEdit

  • Ash: Say Sam, is that your tricked-out 1960 DeSoto Adventurer in the parking lot?
    Sam: It better be. I'd hate to think we've been driving around in someone else's car for the past twenty-five years. Why do you ask?
    Ash: I think it growled at me.
    Sam: Yeah, it's done that ever since that adventure we had in H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.
    Ash: Maybe you should see an exorcist.
    Sam: That's what I keep telling Max, but then he just spins his head at me and vomits.
    Max: (floating around with his head spinning around and on fire) Anil Nathrak! (vomits offscreen)
    Winslow: I just had that cleaned!
  • Ash: So, Sam, why don't you take off your jacket?
    Sam: Two reasons. First of all, I paid a team of highly-skilled artisans a metric butt-ton of money for this new suit, so I'm gonna show it off like a trophy wife at a back-to-school night.
    Ash: And the second reason?
    Sam: Underneath this jacket, I'm sweating like a fat guy in a walk-in humidor.
    Ash: Ugh, thanks for sharing that.
    Sam: Seriously, my pits are so swampy there're probably manatees swimming around in there. Check it out! (lifts his arm)
    Ash: (disgusted) Oh!
    Sam: (puts his arm back down) So, anyway, I'm keeping it on.
  • Ash: What are you starin' at, Clifford?
    Sam: The hand. That's one of those spiffy Danish jobbies, isn't it? A Flongvar?
    Ash: Buddy, I'll have you know that this beauty was built by Lord Arthur's personal blacksmith back in the 14th century.
    Sam: Y'know, most people would find that story ludicrous, but that's not even the silliest thing I've heard since lunch.
    Ash: Wait'll I tell you about the mini-Ashes.
  • Ash: Hey, Sam, you're technically a cop, right?
    Max: (jumps next to Ash) He's a MANIAC cop!
    Sam: (throwing Max out) Yeah, we're cops.
    Ash: Isn't it kinda your job to shut down illegal gambling joints?
    Sam: Well, the Inventory's a little out of our jurisdiction. And you know the old saying...
    Max: "Whatever happens in the omnidimensional accretion nexus STAYS in the omnidimensional accretion nexus!"
  • Ash: How do you get through all your crazy adventures without any shoes?
    Sam: The same way you get through yours without a hat.
    Ash: But I don't need a hat.
    Sam: Exactly.
    Ash: That's not really an answer.
    Sam: Isn't it?
    Ash: No. It's not.
    Sam: And that's why I don't wear shoes.
    Max: And also because shoes make him look like a big brown clown.

With GLaDOSEdit

  • When The Player has bought Ash a drink
    Ash: You know my favorite drink? 14th century mulled wine. Had a bottle of it when I was marooned in the past, it was like booze of the freakin' gods. Can't find ANYTHING like it today.
    GLaDOS: That's likely because 14th century mulled wine undoubtedly contained a light dusting of mouse droppings. It wasn't a particularly hygenic century.
    Ash: Yeah, well, maybe we'd all be a bit better off if we drank a little more mouse poop.
  • Ash: There's something I don't get about this whole tournament.
    GLaDOS: I can tell from the way you're playing.
    Ash: No, I mean what's in it for the Inventory? They're not taking a cut of the buy-ins, so why go through all the trouble to set up these tournaments?
    GLaDOS: Allow me to browse their business plan. Hmmm...it appears that the Inventory makes its money by streaming poker tournaments on the internet for the amusement of the masses. I guess the owner thought the four of you would be amusing. Which, when you think of it, is rather amusing in a metatextual kind of way.

With Brock and ClaptrapEdit

  • Ash: I gotta ask - what's it like living on another planet?
    Claptrap: It's great. If you ignore the constant firefights, the random explosions, and the fact that EVERY FREAKIN' ANIMAL ON THE PLANET'S TRYING TO EAT YOU, Pandora's like a little ball of heaven.
    Brock: Yeah, about that. I always heard that Pandora was some sort of lush jungle paradise.
    Ash: Yeah, me too. What happened, did you guys run out of the, what was it - Cantgettem?
    Brock: (chuckles) No, I think it was "Macguffinite".
    Claptrap: Ha. Ha. Very funny. Look, MY Pandora was first, got it?
    Ash: All right, all right. Jeez. One question, though.
    Claptrap: What?
    Ash: What's James Cameron really like?
    Claptrap: F*** you!
    (Editor's Note: the material that humans are searching on Avatar's Pandora is called unobtainium)
  • Brock: So, how'd you lose the hand?
    Ash: I can't talk about it.
    Brock: Too stressful?
    Ash: Nah, it's just that-- (Ash begins to spout a full explanation in a dead language (most likely Latin), his speech slurred and messy.)
    Claptrap: What Mr. Williams is trying to say is that due to an ancient and unspeakable curse, he is unable to relate the horrifying circumstances that lead to the removal of his hand without risking his immortal soul and/or this plane of existence. My translation software is a little fuzzy on this point.
    Ash: W-What he said.<br />Brock: 'S heavy, man.

With Brock and SamEdit

  • Ash: Crap! Got a peanut skin wedged in my teeth!
    Sam: Oh, I hate that!
    Brock: What, do you need some floss?
    Sam: You carry floss?
    Brock: Well, it's actually garrote wire, but it's great for getting into those hard-to-reach places. You'll probably wanna run it under some hot water first, though, it's got a few... chunks.
    Ash: Eugh, thanks, but I think I'll take my chances with the gum disease.
  • Ash: Why do we have dreams about flying?
    Sam: Sybil says that flying dreams are all about feelings of "freedom" or something like that.
    Ash: I'm not talking about that headshrinker stuff. Why is flying something we even THINK we can do in our dreams? It's not like we can do it in real life.
    Brock: Big deal. In some of my dreams, I'm kickin' the Sun in the crotch. Dreams are weird like that, y'know?
    Ash: Sure, sure. But you've had experience with kicking things in the crotch. Your body knows what that feels like. But none of us has ever flown. We don't know what that feels like, because it's impossible. But we all have flying dreams, right?
    Brock: What're you getting at?
    Ash: What if, millions of years ago, humans used to FLY?
    Sam: You're dangerously close to blowing my mind, Ash.
    Ash: Think about it. Flying dreams. Superman. Peter Pan. What if it's all an attempt by our brains to remind us how to fly!?
    Brock: That's, uh, crazy talk, Williams.
    Ash: Is it, or is it the sanest thing you've ever heard?

With Claptrap and SamEdit

  • Ash: (to Sam) So, you're a dog.
    Sam: For certain values of "dog", yeah.
    Ash: And you, Flapsnap.
    Claptrap: CLAPTRAP!
    Ash: You're some kind of robot?
    Claptrap: I'm also a ninja!
    Ash: And our host is a pirate.
    Winslow: I'm more of a retired raconteur these days.
    Ash: And none of you are weirded out by this?
    Claptrap: Nope.
    Winslow: Nay.
    Sam: I get weirder things in my sandwiches.
    Ash: Oookay then.
  • (only happens after Brock is eliminated)
    Ash: Is it just me, or is that Samson guy kind of scary?
    Sam: Pretty ironic talk from Mr. Boomstick O' Chainsaw, don't ya think?
    Ash: No, seriously. Every time he stares at you, it's like there's machetes coming out of his eyes. Poisoned machetes... with laser beams.
    Claptrap: I think he's cool. Like Liam Neeson "I'm going to hunt you down and release the Krakken" cool.
    Ash: Careful there, Silent Running. If you start drooling, you might short yourself out.
    Claptrap: Don't worry, Ash. You'll always be my one true man crush.
  • Ash: (humming) ...Dammit!
    Sam: Whoa, Ash! No need for a potty mouth.
    Ash: I got a song stuck in my head, and it's driving me crazy.
    Sam: Ooh, those are the worst. Max got one of those a few years back, and he STILL can't get rid of it.
    Max: (singing) Take, these broken wings...
    Claptrap: Y'know what I use to get rid of an earworm? Soothing white noise. (plays some loud white noise)
    Ash: Ack!
    Sam: What in the name of Thomas Dolby was that!?
    Claptrap: White noise. From Pandora. It's a little noisy.
    Ash: Great, you've replaced my earworm with a migraine.

With GLaDOS and BrockEdit

  • Ash: So Samson, you work for that Doc Venture egghead, right?
    Brock: It's a little more complicated than that. But uh... I'm his bodyguard, yeah.
    Ash: So why isn't HE at the table tonight? Y'know, with his massive brain 'n' all.
    GLaDOS: I'm a little curious about that, too. Although our invitation was extended to Venture Industries in general, we assumed that Doctor Venture himself would be accepting.
    Brock: A big part of my job is screening Doc Venture's mail for dangerous items. Anthrax, bombs, financial scams, that sort of thing.
    GLaDOS: You thought this was a scam?
    Brock: Not really. I just know better than to let Rusty anywhere near a poker table.
    Ash: What, he can't bluff?
    Brock: What, are you kidding? Doc lies like a rug. But he's just not so good with numbers and probabilities and stuff like that.
    Ash: Just like Einstein.
    Brock: Sure... sure let's go with that.

With GLaDOS and ClaptrapEdit

  • Ash: Are we sure these chips are safe to touch? I've had some bad experiences with interdimensional portal thingies.
    GLaDOS: I wouldn't worry about it. To date, over 578 million objects and organisms have passed through Aperture Science portals, with insignificant side effects.
    Ash: Define "insignificant."
    GLaDOS: Approximately zero-point-zero-zero-two percent of all objects that pass through a portal acquire trace amounts of fractal-positronic antimatter in the process.
    Claptrap: Fractal-positronic antimatter!? I love that stuff! Rots the flesh off of skags in seconds, man!
    GLaDOS: He's joking. It actually takes several agonizing minutes.
    Ash: Funny.

With GLaDOS, Claptrap, and SamEdit

  • Ash: Kinda cold in here.
    GLaDOS: (descends) I've found that 15 degrees Celsius is the optimum temperature to keep the game moving. In the future, you might want to wear an undershirt. (ascends)
    Sam: Luckily, I'm already covered in fur. And my tongue's a thermostat!
    Claptrap: And I have a miniature fusion reactor keeping me warm.
    Ash: (shakes head) Swell.

To The PlayerEdit

  • Ash: Have we met?
    GLaDOS: That's extremely unlikely. You and the Player travel in different... circles.
    Ash: Different circles oooOOoh! Well, la-de-freakin-dah.
  • Ash: Ready to give up?
    Depending on The Player's luck at the time of the question, the conversation continues as either of the following:
    GLaDOS: I fail to see why the Player should give up- Ah, this must be an attempt at intimidation. Very effective. Please continue.
    Ash: Nah, I'm good.
    ...or...
    GLaDOS: Don't listen to him. With a little luck, you can still win. Especially if you grow a new brain.
  • Ash: Stop staring at me like that, willya?
    (silence)
    Ash: That's better.

Continuing a ConversationEdit

  • So, like I was saying...
  • Anyway...
  • So, anyway...
  • Anyway, like I was saying...

Trial-Only, Prompt to Buy Full GameEdit

  • This ain't a library, kid.

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