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Dealer QuotesEdit

Calling HandsEdit

  • The Player has...
  • And the Player has...
  • And our silent friend has...
  • And you have...
  • Claptrap has...
  • The little robot has...
  • Mr. Trap has...
  • Mr. Funnychips has...
  • And Claptrap has...
  • And the robot has...
  • And the rustbucket from Pandora has...
  • Ash has...
  • Mr. Williams has...
  • Ashley has...
  • And Ash has...
  • And Mr. Williams has...
  • Brock has...
  • Brock Samson has...
  • Mr. Samson has...
  • And Brock has...
  • And Mr. Samson has...
  • Sam has...
  • And Sam has...
  • Seven high. (eight, nine, ten, jack, queen, king, ace)
  • A pair of twos. (3, 4, 5...)
  • Two pair.
  • Three of a kind.
  • A straight.
  • A flush.
  • A full house.
  • Four of a kind.
  • A straight flush.
  • A royal flush.

Announcing Hand Winners Edit

(with better hands) Edit

  • The Player wins...
  • Brock wins...
  • Claptrap wins...
  • Ash wins...
  • Sam wins...
  • ...with the higher pairs.
  • ...with the high trips.
  • ...with the bigger house.
  • ...with the high quads. Lucky you.
  • ...with the high straight.
  • ...with the high flush.
  • ...with an ace (the king, queen, jack, 10...) kicker.
  • ...with the high card on the straight flush.

(side pots) Edit

  • On the side pot...
  • On the first side pot...
  • And on the second side pot...
  • On the second side pot...
  • And on the exceptionally rare third side pot...
  • On the exceptionally rare third side pot...
  • And on the main pot...
  • And on the big pot...
  • And FINALLY, on the big pot...

(splitting the pot) Edit

  • We have a tie, and the pot is split.

(general) Edit

  • Brock wins the hand.
  • Mr. Samson wins the pot.
  • Brock wins.
  • Sam wins the hand.
  • Sam takes the pot.
  • Sam wins.
  • Ash wins the hand.
  • Mr. Williams wins the pot.
  • Ash wins.
  • Claptrap wins the hand.
  • Claptrap wins the pot.
  • Claptrap wins.
  • The Player wins.
  • The Player wins the hand.

(everyone else folded pre-flop) Edit

  • Brock steals the blinds.
  • Sam makes off with the blinds.
  • Mr. Williams takes the blinds.
  • Claptrap steals the blinds.
  • The Player steals the blinds.

(everyone else folded) Edit

  • Brock steals the pot.
  • Sam takes the pot.
  • Ash grabs the pot.
  • Claptrap steals the pot.
  • The Player takes the pot.

Eliminations Edit

  • Brock Samson has been eliminated.
  • Sam has been eliminated.
  • Mr. Williams has been eliminated.
  • Ash has been eliminated from the tournament.
  • Ashley Williams has been eliminated.
  • Claptrap has been eliminated.
  • The robot from Pandora is out of chips.
  • Mr. Trap has been eliminated from the tournament.

Raising the BlindsEdit

600/1200Edit

  • (In the first few tournaments) Now that you've played a few hands without bleeding all over the cards, it's time to move the blinds up to 600 and 1200.
  • The blinds are now 600 and 1200.
  • You appear to be nodding off. Let's see if moving the blinds up to 600 and 1200 gets up your attention.
  • These blinds are too low for players of your obvious skill. Let's bump them up to 600 and 1200.

800/1600Edit

  • (If no-one has been eliminated by this point) You're all still here. Imagine that. I'm moving the blinds up to 800 and 1600.
  • The blinds have been increased to 800 and 1600.
  • It's time to raise the blinds to 800 and 1600.
  • I enjoy these little games. I enjoy them even more when they're bigger. The blinds are now 800 and 1600.

1000/2000Edit

  • (If no-one has been eliminated by this point) Apparently you've been led to believe that the goal of this tournament is to keep your fellow competitors at the table for as long as possible. It's a common misunderstanding, and one I probably should've corrected several hands ago. By way of apology, I'm moving the blinds to 1000 and 2000.
  • I've taken the liberty of moving the blinds to 1000 and 2000.
  • At the tone, the blinds will now be 1000 and 2000. Bing.
  • The blinds are now set at 1000 and 2000. Mmm. Nice round numbers.

1200/2400Edit

  • I have increased the blinds to 1200 and 2400.
  • The blinds have been increased to 264 and 4C8 in Base 23. I'll give you a minute to work that out before I deal the next hand. (starts humming "Pop Goes the Weasel")
  • Did you know that the term "blinds" was coined by a blind poker player in the 19th century? Of course you didn't, because it's a lie. In any event, I'm upping the blinds to 1200 and 2400.

1400/2800Edit

  • The blinds are now 1400 and 2800 dollars.
  • Did you hear that? That was the sound of a counter incrementing deep within my processing core, informing me that it's time to raise the blinds again. Here, I'll adjust its frequency so you can hear it too. (sound) I don't know why it sounds like a cow, either. Regardless, the blinds are now 1400 and 2800.
  • That's strange. I'm starting to get impatient with this tournament. I'm not really programmed to get impatient, but here we are. Maybe if I increase the blinds to 1400 and 2800, the feeling will go away.

1600/3200Edit

  • The blinds are now 1600 and 3200 dollars.
  • Studies have shown that increased tension can cause heart palpitations, cold sweats and, in rare instances, death. Let's test that hypothesis by setting the blinds to 1600 and 3200.
  • Much as I enjoy dealing cards and reciting hand names, it's long past time to bring this match to a close, so I'm raising the blinds to 1600 and 3200.

1800/3600Edit

  • The blinds are now 1800 and 3600 dollars.
  • We've now reached the 1800, 3600 blind level. As a courtesy to the Inventory's other patrons, I've also begun pumping an olfactory suppressant into the air.
  • I'll bet you didn't expect this tournament to last this long, did you? Perhaps that's part of the problem: you're not making enough stupid bets. Here, let me raise the blinds to 1800 and 3600.

2000/4000Edit

  • This tournament has been fascinating, but I think it's time for you to go home to your loved ones. Oh wait, you don't have any. Perhaps you should go out and get some. The blinds are now 2000 and 4000 dollars.
  • By my calculations this is a one-in-a-million tournament, so the next time you're cursing out your losing lottery ticket remember that you used up your allotment of luck. On this. The blinds are now 2000 and 4000 dollars.
  • Some would say that this neverending tournament is a thrilling testament to the tenacity of the contestants. They would be wrong. The blinds are now 2000 and 4000 dollars.

4000/8000 Edit

  • Oh look. You've reached the upper limits of my blinds. Somewhere outside, a new day is dawning, and the good people of the world are waking up striding confidently towards happiness and enlightenment. And you're in here. Playing poker. In the dark. The blinds are now 4000 and 8000.

Note: 4000/8000 is not the actual upper limits of the blinds. But there is no dialog recorded for the actual upper limits of 8000/16000.

Bounty ItemEdit

Putting in Paranoia Core the First TimeEdit

  • Winslow: Well, this is embarrassing. You completed a slate of our most grueling Bounty Challenges, but we appear to have run out of Bounty Items.
    Suddenly, a Personality Core drops onto the table. Its eye blinks open
    Core: The tournament is being controlled by aliens!
    GLaDOS: Pay no attention to that.
    Winslow: Ah! A rare GLaDOS personality core! A fitting bounty indeed!
    GLaDOS: No, it's really not.
    Core: Trust no one.
    Winslow: Whoever wins the tournament will take the core as a prize!

Putting in Paranoia Core Following TimesEdit

  • Winslow: GlaDOS? Please place your bounty on the table.
  • GlaDOS: I don't see why everyone's so interested in it. I'm not.
   A Personality Core drops on the table. Its eye blinks open

Player is EliminatedEdit

  • Core: You can't send me back! She's planning things, man! Big things!
    GLaDOS: Oh, stop.
    Core: Oh no, it's all true, even the caaaaaaaa- (GLaDOS takes the Core back out of the Player's view)

Player Wins the TournamentEdit

  • Core: Oh no, it's the puppet master! I know too much!
    GLaDOS: Congratulations. You won. I hope you weren't expecting baked desserts, because I don't do that anymore.
    Core: Take me now before she uses her mind bullets!

Other Responses of the CoreEdit

About The Inventory and its patrons Edit

The comments about the other players will usually only come after the person talked about has been eliminated, but at least the Claptrap comment can sometimes come along while he's still in the game.

  • I don't want to alarm you, but I don't think GLaDOS can be trusted.
  • Core: At any given time, there are 17 people who keep reality from collapsing. They are all named "Steve".
    Steve: Hey-o?
  • Every Claptrap unit has a small grey cube deep within its machinery. The purpose of these cubes is unknown.
  • Ash Williams is unaware that his great-grandfather was a member of the Illuminati.
  • Brock Samson thinks he's a spy, but he's really a pawn in a conspiracy stretching across centuries.
  • There are carvings of Sam and Max embedded in Mayan calendars.
  • The Inventory's host claims to be retired, but he's actually been busy drawing maps to islands that don't exist yet.
  • How much do we know about this "Inventory," anyway?

About real people Edit

  • King Tut was an ancient astronaut.
  • John F. Kennedy was killed by a time-travelling magic bullet fired by his older self. The paradox will collapse in 2015.
  • Nikola Tesla was in direct communication with intelligences from another dimension.
  • Paul McCartney was replaced by a surgically-latered double in 1967 after the original Beatle was lost during an ill-fated expedition to Pepperland.
  • Dane Cook is a 23rd level Freemason.

About politics and geography Edit

  • The government keeps pennies in circulation to prevent earthquakes.
  • There's a hole in Siberia that leads directly to hell. It's 3 inches wide.
  • Since 2008, the World Health Organization has required that every pair of shoes be fitted with aglets that trace our footsteps via satellite.
  • The Canadian government has been in clandestine talks with the Bigfoot Nation since 1972.
  • There is a country, officially recognized by the UN, that doesn't appear on the maps. No one seems to notice this.
  • North Dakota officially seceded from the Union in 1997, but the airplane carrying the paperwork mysteriously disappeared over Lake Michigan, leaving the 39th state in perpetual legal limbo.

General paranoia Edit

  • Sudoku puzzles were created to flush out androids living among us.
  • Today, the pizza-boy came to my door. But I hadn't ordered any pizza. So now I have to move.
  • If you wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, look outside for an unmarked white van. There's probably been a shift change.
  • The only reason they haven't caught me is because of my special aluminum underwear.
  • I think these chips have microchips.
  • If you can't talk, just blink in Morse Code.
  • I have Go Kits assembled for eighteen different end-of-the-world scenarios.
  • There is a war being fought on the dark side of the moon. We are not winning.
  • LOLcats are being used by the Illuminati to communicate via steganography.
  • They're all watching us, aren't they?
  • If I ever start acting weird, ask me to do this handshake. If I can't, then I'm a clone.
  • I had to drill a hole in my head to remove the tracking device. Then I had to drill a hole in the tracking device to remove ITS tracking device.
  • Shh. Did you smell that?
  • You weren't followed, were you?
  • Approximately 1 out of every 75 flash mobs is triggered by government-controlled subliminals embedded in television disclaimers.
  • If I suddenly disappear, you can expect an encrypted email of my findings to be sent to our prearranged drop box.
  • My sister gave me a funny look yesterday... I think she may be one of them.
  • Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm really thinking my thoughts, or if someone else is thinking them for me.
  • Baristas are the first line of secret defense against the armies of nightmare.
  • I could tell you more, but the walls have ears. And guns.
  • Most casinos are now controlled by ghosts.
  • I don't think you're ready to hear this.
  • Most of us has met a being from another planet.
  • We've been sending homeless people through time since the 80's.
  • My dog has been compromised.
  • Sorry about the hands, I just have to check you for listening devices.
  • Supermarket scanners are used to tag the items we purchase with pheromone markers that can be tracked by specially trained terriers.
  • Whatever you do, don't drink the water! Flouride has nanobots.
  • Most of the situation comedies last year were written by robots.

Other ResponsesEdit

The Player is EliminatedEdit

Conventional dealer quotes:Edit

(general) Edit
  • The Player has been eliminated.
  • The Player has been eliminated due to lack of funds. And intelligence.
  • The Player has busted out, and must leave the table before everyone starts laughing.
  • It appears you have lost all your chips. Oh well, it's only money. Your money. Twenty thousand dollars of it. Right down the drain.
(after the Player has been eliminated several times in a row already) Edit
  • (before anyone else is eliminated)
    The Player is once again the first to leave the table.
  • The Player is eliminated. It must be frustrating to get so close to winning, only to lose everything. I can only wonder what that feels like. (NOTE: specific context not found)
  • The Player is eliminated again. Would you like to hear something funny? Everyone at the table has won a tournament. Everyone except you. I just thought you should know that.
  • The Player has been eliminated. Again. Perhaps you should take a break.

Personal quotes:Edit

  • You're lucky. If this had been an Aperture Science experiment instead of a poker game, you'd be falling down a bottomless pit right now.
  • I wouldn't be ashamed about losing. You have plenty of other things to be ashamed about.
  • Don't worry. It's only money. Oh, that's right, you humans NEED money, don't you?
  • Perhaps you can try again later, after you've upgraded your brain.
  • I'll miss you. At least I think I'll will. I won't know until you actually leave. So go. Now.
  • It's a shame you have to leave. We were about to have a party. I even brought hats.

Other reactionsEdit

Player Makes a Big Bet (at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Are you sure a bet of that magnitude is wise for someone in your delicate... financial bracket?
  • Congratulations. You've stopped listening to your frontal lobe, and are going with your gut. Where all the feces are.
  • I see you've decided to bluff your way through this hand. Oh, I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said that. My bad. (don't worry, this hasn't any effect on the reactions of the other players)
  • My sensors have detected a tear in your left tricep from pushing all those chips. In the future I recommend lifting from the legs.

Player Raises (to make at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • I know something you don't know. Not about this hand. Just generally.
  • I've scanned over two hundred million poker tournaments for a replication of your current strategy and found zero results. So you're a pioneer now.
  • I can't figure out whether your re-raise indicates a lack of poker skill or a lack of manners. To be fair, it could easily be both.
  • Most people are bound by the conventions of probability and common sense. But you're special.
  • You don't know what you're doing, do you?
  • Well, that was a clever move that won't come back to bite you in your ample posterior.

Player Calls a Big Bet (at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • I know something you don't know. Not about this hand. Just generally.
  • I've scanned over two hundred million poker tournaments for a replication of your current strategy and found zero results. So you're a pioneer now.
  • I probably would've raised in your situation. But I probably also would've jumped off a building, so perhaps I'm not the best source of advice.
  • My calculations reveal that calling was absolutely the right move. If you want to lose.
  • Well, that was a clever move that won't come back to bite you in your ample posterior.

Player ChecksEdit

  • Check, check, check... Such a boring word.
  • Eleven percent of all poker moves are checks. It's not an interesting statistic, but neither was your check.
  • Although usually a sign of a weak hand, a check can also be used to disguise a stronger hand. In your case, I'll assume it's a sign of confusion.
  • Your boldness is palpable.

Player Folds (After the Flop is Revealed)Edit

  • A fold. How... fascinating.
  • Don't feel bad. If I had your brain, I'd fold too.
  • If you're folding because you're too embarrassed to admit that you've forgotten the rules, just nod your head. I promise not to tell anyone.
  • The judicious poker player knows the importance of a well-timed fold. And then there's you.

Large Pot (at least $20,000)Edit

  • I see you've assembled a non-trivial pile of chips. It's very exciting. It probably feels like the anticipation's killing you. (addressing The Player) But it's not. It's actually the slow-acting poison that I've introduced to the Inventory's ventilation system. (disappears, followed by a 3-4 second pause, then returns) That's a joke. It's really the anticipation. Don't you feel better now?
  • I would be impressed by this pot, but then I remembered that it's just a pile of sand, chalk, and clay. When you think about it, it's nothing more than a festively-painted pile of kitty litter.
  • I'm enjoying all this betting. It means I'll be able to go back to my lab that much sooner.
  • I think one of you has taken leave of his senses. Moreso than usual, I mean.

Player Wins With a Good Hand (AK, QQ, KK, AA or at least Three of a Kind)/Wins a Hand in Omaha Hold 'EmEdit

  • That's a relief. I was worried you might screw that up. Again.
  • Well done. Now we'll see how you do when I'm NOT stacking the deck in your favor.
  • Congratulations. You've converted a nearly-unbeatable hand into a victory.
  • You know what they say, lucky in cards, unlucky in love. Oh wait, that's a bad thing, isn't it?

To a duelEdit

  • I project a zero-point-oh-five percent chance that this tournament will end in bloodshed. Luckily, I don't have any blood.
  • Victory is so close now. For one of you.
  • Do you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I should put the two of you in a cryogenic unit, so that I can replay this tournament over and over at my leisure. But that would be wrong.
  • I love these little moments of quiet before the crying starts, don't you?
  • This tournament is giving me an overwhelming sense of deja vu. Oh, now I remember. It's just like that time my lab rats fought over a piece of cheese. The funny thing is, the rats didn't really NEED to eat the cheese, they were just conditioned to WANT the cheese by weeks of electrical stimulation. In the end they killed each other, and the cheese was eaten by one of the human test subjects. He died too, because the cheese was moldy.

Lots of showdowns have taken place recentlyEdit

  • I hope you're not trying to impress anyone with all these showdowns.
  • There's no shame in folding if you don't have a good hand. I just thought you should know that before rushing off to another testosterone-fueled showdown.
  • Most poker professionals fold over 50 percent of the time. But hey, what do they know?

No showdowns recentlyEdit

  • Hmm. We've got several hands without a showdown. Either you've suddenly become better poker players, or I've accidentally introduced serotonin uptake inhibitors into the ventilation system.
  • In a professional poker tournament, it's not uncommon to go many hands between showdowns. In this case, I'll assume that's because you don't know what you're doing.
  • You haven't flipped over any hole cards for several hands now. Are the cards getting too heavy to lift?

Initiating ConversationsEdit

With Brock and AshEdit

  • (only occurs when Brock and Ash are the only ones left at the table)
    GLaDOS: Gentlemen, I've been looking over your case files, and I'm curious about something. Why aren't you insane?
    Brock: That's a funny question coming from a psychotic robot.
    GLaDOS: I'm an unfathomable artificial intelligence whose sanity cannot be measured by human standards. But you two are just meat and bone and water.
    Ash: Yeah, yeah, we're specks of lint in the belly button of the universe. What's your point?
    GLaDOS: My point is that, with all the horror the two of you have endured over the years, both of you should be gibbering lunatics. And yet here you are, playing cards and telling bad jokes. It's...anomalous.
    Brock: And that's why you will never "get" humanity, lady. We are just oozing with anomalies.
    Ash: And I LIKE my jokes.

With Claptrap, Brock, Ash, Sam and MaxEdit

  • GLaDOS: I'm detecting an alarming amount of chronoton emissions in the general vicinity. Are any of you time travelers?
    Claptrap: I think I'm from the future, does that count?
    Brock: I put Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock one time. That was pretty cool.
    Ash: I kind of fell into the 14th century once, but that was totally not my fault!
    Sam: Time travel, time travel, let me see... well, Max and I went back to ancient Egypt, visited our teenage selfs, quizzed our ancient creaky selves, mind-melded with our great-grandfathers...
    Max: Accidentally created a pair of temporal clones.
    Sam: ...fought a trio of time-traveling mariachis, and, oh yeah, messed around with the beginning of time once or twice. Does that count?
    GLaDOS: (to Sam) Congratulations. You're a universe-imperiling paradox in dog's clothing. Commencing chronoton sterilization now. (a glowing white light surrounds Sam, sterilizing him)
    Sam: Ooh, tingly. Wait, did you say, "sterilization?"
    GLaDOS: Chronotons eliminated. Continuity restored to 78 percent plausibility.
    Sam: I like those odds!

Continuing a ConversationEdit

  • Anyway...
  • Anyhow...
  • As I was saying...

Trial-Only, Prompt to Buy Full GameEdit

  • This tournament reminds me of a joke...(looks at the Player)...which I'm not going to tell until someone buys the full version of the game.
  • In case you hadn't noticed, we're not saying any more until you purchase the game.

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