GLaDOS' Dialogue

Dealer Quotes

Calling Hands

• The Player has...
• And our silent friend has...
• And you have...
• Claptrap has...
• The little robot has...
• Mr. Trap has...
• Mr. Funnychips has...
• Ash has...
• Mr. Williams has...
• Brock Samson has...
• Mr. Samson has...
• Sam has...
• Nine high. (ten, jack, queen, king, ace)
• A pair of twos. (3, 4, 5...)
• Two pair.
• Three of a kind.
• A straight.
• A flush.
• A full house.
• Four of a kind.
• A straight flush.
• The Player wins...
• Brock wins...
• Claptrap wins...
• Ash wins...
• Sam wins...
• ...with the higher pairs.
• ...with the bigger house.
• ...with the high straight.
• ...with an ace (the king, queen, jack, 10...) kicker.
• On the side pot...
• On the first side pot...
• On the second side pot...
• And on the expectionally rare third side pot...
• And on the main pot...
• We have a tie, and the pot is split.
• The Player...
• Brock...
• Claptrap...
• Ash...
• Sam...
• ...wins.
• ...wins the hand.
• ...takes the pot.
• ...grabs the pot.
• ...steals the pot.
• ...steals the blinds.
• ...has been eliminated.
• ...has been eliminated from the tournament.
• Mr. Samson takes the pot.
• Sam makes off with the blinds.
• Mr. Trap has been eliminated from the tournament.
• The robot from Pandora is out of chips.
• Ashley Williams has been eliminated.

Raising the Blinds

• (In the first few tournaments) Now that you've played a few hands without bleeding all over the cards, it's time to raise the blinds to 600 and 1200.
• The blinds are now 600 and 1200.
• You appear to be nodding off. Let's see if moving the blinds up to 600 and 1200 gets up your attention.
• These blinds are too low for players of your obvious skill. Let's bump them up to 600 and 1200.
• The blinds have been increased to 800 and 1600.
• It's time to raise the blinds to 800 and 1600.
• I'm enjoying these little games. I enjoy them even more when they're bigger. The blinds are now 800 and 1600.
• (If no-one has been eliminated by this point) You're all still here. Imagine that. I'm moving the blinds up to 800 and 1600.
• I've taken the liberty of moving the blinds to 1000 and 2000.
• At the tone, the blinds will now be 1000 and 2000. Bing.
• The blinds are now set at 1000 and 2000. Mmm. Nice round numbers.
• (If no-one has been eliminated by this point) Apparently you've been led to believe that the main goal of this tournament is to keep your opponents remaining at this table for as long as possible. It's a common misunderstanding and one I should've corrected several hands ago. By way of apology, I'm moving the blinds up to 1000 and 2000.
• I have increased the blinds to 1200 and 2400.
• The blinds have been increased to 264 and 4C8 in Base 23. I'll give you a minute to work that out before I deal the next hand. (starts humming "Pop Goes the Weasel")
• Did you know that the term "blinds" was coined by a blind poker player in the 19th century? Of course you didn't, because it's a lie. In any event, I'm upping the blinds to 1200 and 2400.
• The blinds are now 1400 and 2800 dollars.
• Did you hear that? That was the sound of a counter incrementing deep within my processing core, informing me that it's time to raise the blinds again. Here, I'll adjust its frequency so you can hear it too. (sound) I don't know why it sounds like a cow, either. Regardless, the blinds are now 1400 and 2800.
• That's strange. I'm starting to get impatient with this tournament. I'm not really programmed to get impatient, but here we are. Maybe if I increase the blinds to 1400 and 2800, the feeling will go away.
• The blinds are now 1600 and 3200 dollars.
• Studies have shown that increased tension can cause heart palpitation, cold sweats and, in rare instances, death. Let's test that hypothesis by setting the blinds to 1600 and 3200.
• Much as I enjoy dealing cards and reciting hand names, it's long past time to bring this match to a close, so I'm raising the blinds to 1600 and 3200.
• The blinds are now 1800 and 3600 dollars.
• We've now reached the 1800, 3600 blind level. As a courtesy to the Inventory's other patrons, I've also begun pumping an alfactory suppressant into the air.
• I'll bet you didn't expect this tournament to last this long, did you? Perhaps that's part of the problem: you're not making enough stupid bets. Here, let me raise the blinds to 1800 and 3600.
• This torunament has been fascinating. I think it's long past time for you to go home to your loved ones. Oh wait, you don't have any. Perhaps you should go and get some. The blinds are now 2000 and 4000 dollars. (to confirm)

Bounty Item

Putting in Paranoia Core the First Time

• Winslow: Well, this is embarrassing. You completed a slate of our most grueling Bounty Challenges, but we appear to have run out of Bounty Items.
  Suddenly, a Personality Core drops onto the table. Its eye blinks open
  Core: The tournament is being controlled by aliens!
  GLaDOS: Pay no attention to that.
  Winslow: Ah! A rare GLaDOS personality core! A fitting bounty indeed!
  GLaDOS: No, it's really not.
  Core: Trust no one.
  Winslow: Whoever wins the tournament will take the core as a prize!

Putting in Paranoia Core Following Times

• Winslow: GlaDOS? Please place your bounty on the table.
• GlaDOS: I don't see why everyone's so interested in it. I'm not.

   A Personality Core drops on the table. Its eye blinks open

Player is Eliminated

• Core: You can't send me back! She's planning things, man! Big things!
  GLaDOS: Oh, stop.
  Core: Oh no, it's all true, even the caaaaaaaa- (GLaDOS takes the Core back out of the Player's view)

Player Wins the Tournament

• Core: Oh no, it's the puppet master! I know too much!
  GLaDOS: Congratulations. You won. I hope you weren't expecting baked deserts, because I don't do that anymore.
  Core: Take me now before she uses her mind bullets!

Other Responses of the Core

• I don't want to alarm you, but I don't think GLaDOS can be trusted.
• The government keeps pennies in circulation to prevent earthquakes.
• Sudoku puzzles were created to flush out androids living among us.
• Core: At any given time, there are 17 people who keep reality from collapsing. They are all named "Steve".
  Steve: Hey-o?
• Today, the pizza-boy came to my door. But I hadn't ordered any pizza. So now I have to move.
• If you wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, look outside for an unmarked white van. There's probably been a shift change.
• The only reason they haven't caught me is because of my special aluminium underwear.
• There's a hole in Siberia that leads directly to hell. It's 3 inches wide.

Other Responses

The Player is Eliminated

Conventional dealer quotes:

• The Player has been eliminated.
• The Player has been eliminated due to lack of funds. And intelligence.
• The Player has busted out, and must leave the table before everyone starts laughing.
• The Player is eliminated again. Would you like to hear something funny? Everyone at the table has won a tournament. Everyone except you. I just thought you should know that.
• It appears you have lost all your chips. Oh well, it's only money. Your money. Twenty thousand dollars of it. Right down the drain.
• The Player has been eliminated. Again. Perhaps you should take a break.

Personal quotes:

• You're lucky. If this had been an Aperture Science experiment instead of a poker game, you'd be falling down a bottomless pit right now.
• I wouldn't be ashamed about losing. You have plenty of other things to be ashamed about.
• Don't worry. It's only money. Oh, that's right, you humans NEED money, don't you?
• Perhaps you can try again later, after you've upgraded your brain.
• I'll miss you. At least I think I'll will. I won't know until you actually leave. So go. Now.
• It's a shame you have to leave. We were about to have a party. I even brought hats.

Other reactions

Player Makes a Big Bet

• Are you sure a bet of that magnitude is wise for someone in your delicate... financial bracket?
• Congratulations. You've stopped listening to your frontal lobe, and are going with your gut. Where all the feces are.
• I see you've decided to bluff your way through this hand. Oh, I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said that. My bad. (don't worry, this hasn't any effect on the reactions of the other players)
• My sensors have detected a tear in your left tricep from pushing all those chips. In the future I recommend lifting from the legs.

Player Raises

• I know something you don't know. Not about this hand. Just generally.
• I've scanned over two hundred million poker tournaments for a replication of your current strategy and found zero results. So you're a pioneer now.
• I can't figure out whether your re-raise indicates a lack of poker skill or a lack of manners. To be fair, it could easily be both.
• Most people are bound by the conventions of probability and common sense. But you're special.
• You don't know what you're doing, do you?
• Well, that was a clever move that won't come back to bite you in your ample posterior.

Player Calls a Big Bet

• I know something you don't know. Not about this hand. Just generally.
• I've scanned over two hundred million poker tournaments for a replication of your current strategy and found zero results. So you're a pioneer now.
• I probably would've raised in your situation. But I probably also would've jumped off a building, so perhaps I'm not the best source of advice.
• My calculations reveal that calling was absolutely the right move. If you want to lose.
• Well, that was a clever move that won't come back to bite you in your ample posterior.

Player Checks

• Check, check, check... Such a boring word.
• Eleven percent of all poker moves are checks. It's not an interesting statistic, but neither was your check.
• Although usually a sign of a weak hand, a check can also be used to disguise a stronger hand. In your case, I'll assume it's a sign of confusion.
• Your boldness is palpable.

Player Folds

• A fold. How... fascinating.
• Don't feel bad. If I had your brain, I'd fold too.
• If you're folding because you're too embarrassed to admit that you've forgotten the rules, just nod your head. I promise not to tell anyone.
• The judicious poker player knows the importance of a well-timed fold. And then there's you.

Large Pot

• I see you've assembled a non-trivial pile of chips. It's very exciting. It must be the anticipation that's flowing through within you. (addressing The Player) Well, it's not. It's actually the poison that I've introduced to the Inventory's ventilation system. (disappears, followed by a 3-4 second pause, then returns) That's a joke. It's really the anticipation. Don't you feel better now? (to confirm)
• I'm enjoying all this betting. It means I'll be able to go back to my lab that much sooner.
• I think one of you has taken leave of his senses. Moreso than usual, I mean.

Player Has a Good Hand

• That's a relief. I was worried you might screw that up. Again.
• Well done. Now we'll see how you do when I'm NOT stacking the deck in your favor.
• Congratulations. You've converted a nearly-unbeatable hand into a victory.
• You know what they say, lucky in cards, unlucky in love. Oh wait, that's a bad thing, isn't it?

To a duel

• I project a zero-point-oh-five chance that this tournament will end in bloodshed. Luckily, I don't have any blood.
• Victory is so close now. For one of you.
• Do you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I should put the two of you in a cryogenic unit, so that I can replay this tournament over and over at my leisure. But that would be wrong.
• I love these little moments of quiet before the crying starts, don't you?
• This tournament is giving me an overwhelming sense of deja vu. Oh, now I remember. It's just like that time my lab rats fought over a piece of cheese. The funny thing is, the rats didn't really NEED to eat the cheese, they were just conditioned to WANT the cheese by weeks of electrical simulations. In the end they killed each other, and the cheese was eaten by one of the human test subjects. He died too, because the cheese was moldy.

Lots of showdowns have taken place recently

• I hope you're not trying to impress anyone with all these showdowns.
• There's no shame in folding if you don't have a good hand. I just thought you should know that before rushing off to another testosterone-fueled showdown.
• Most poker professionals fold over 50 percent of the time. But hey, what do they know?

No showdowns recently

• Hmm. We've got several hands without a showdown. Either you've suddenly become better poker players, or I've accidentally introduced serotonin uptake inhibitors into the ventilation system.
• In a professional poker tournament, it's not uncommon to go many hands between showdowns. In this case, I'll assume that's because you don't know what you're doing.
• You haven't flipped over any hole cards for several hands now. Are the cards getting too heavy to lift?

Conversations

With Brock

• GLaDOS:

With Claptrap

• GLaDOS:

With Ash

• GLaDOS:

With Sam

• GLaDOS:

With Brock and Claptrap

• GLaDOS:

With Brock and Ash

• (only occurs when Brock and Ash are the only ones left at the table)
  GLaDOS: Gentlemen, I've been looking over your case files, and I'm curious about something. Why aren't you insane?
  Brock: That's a funny question coming from a psychotic robot.
  GLaDOS: I'm an unfathomable artificial intelligence whose sanity cannot be measured by human standards. But you two are just meat and bone and water.
  Ash: Yeah, we're specks of lint in the belly button of the universe. What's your point?
  GLaDOS: My point is that, with all the horror the two of you have endured over the years, both of you should be gibbering lunatics. And yet here you are, playing cards and telling bad jokes. It's...anomalous.
  Brock: And that's why you will never GET humanity, lady. We are just oozing with anomalies.
  Ash: And I LIKE my jokes.

With Brock and Sam

• GLaDOS:

With Claptrap and Ash

• GLaDOS:

With Claptrap and Sam

• GLaDOS:

With Ash and Sam

• GLaDOS:

With Brock, Claptrap, and Ash

• GLaDOS:

With Brock, Ash, and Sam

• GLaDOS:

With Claptrap, Ash, and Sam

• GLaDOS:

Continuing a Conversation

• Anyway...
• Anyhow...

Trial-Only, Prompt to Buy Full Game

• This tournament reminds me of a joke...(looks at the Player)...which I'm not going to tell until someone buys the full version of the game.
• In case you hadn't noticed, we're not saying any more until you purchase the game.