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Sam's Dialogue

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Putting in Bounty Challenge PrizeEdit

First TimeEdit

  • Winslow: Sam, would you please place your bounty on the table?
    Sam: I hope I know what I'm doing.
    (gets his banjo and sets it on the table)
    Winslow: A banjo? Usually our bounties are more...powerful.
    Max: Oh, it's powerful alright. It can eradicate eardrums within a 5-mile radius.

Following TimesEdit

  • Winslow: Your banjo, Sam?
    Sam: (gets his banjo and sets it on the table)

ResponsesEdit

TauntingEdit

"Call My Bet!" (at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Y'know what would REALLY show me who's boss? Calling. Or folding. Or maybe slapping yourself in the face. That'll probably work.
  • If I wore shoes, I would NOT want to be in yours right now.

  • Go ahead, call it! I'm just a goofy talking dog. What would I know about combinatorial game theory, multivariant conditional probabilities, or aleph numbers?

  • I'll just be over here practicing my nonchalant look while you sweat this one out.

  • Max: Bwak-bwak-bwak-bwak-bwak!
    Sam: Stop taunting the chicken, Max.

"Call His Bet!" (at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • If I were you, I'd take that as a direct challenge to my, er, personhood.
  • Sam: You know who I usually consult when I have to make a tough decision?
    Max: Faster pussycat! Kill! Kill!

  • This is just like watching armadillos roll into each other to please the comely armadillo queen!

ThinkingEdit

(standard; before [calling/betting/raising to make] at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Urrr...
  • Uhhh...
  • Ehhh...
  • Hmmm...
  • Ahhh...
  • Ahhh-ummmmm...
  • What to do, what to do, what to do...
  • Did I remember to put the cat out? Wait, I don't have a cat...
  • ♪ That's why I'm happy to be King of the Creatures... ♪
  • Sam: What would Max do in a situation like this?
    Max: (spins on the table, shouting) AGGH! BLACKHAWK DOWN! BLACKHAWK DOWN!
    Sam: Okay, plan B.

(with a big bet to call; at least 5x the full blind)Edit

  • Just remember, it's only a game.
  • Don't be scared by the chips, don't be scared by the chips...
  • Max: Oh, Sam! Think of all the Hamdingers we could buy with that! (sigh)
    Sam: Shh, I'm thinking.

(after consecutive small bets/raises and/or calls; before [calling/raising to make] at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Okay, which one of you bozos is bluffing?
  • Cripes, this is more complicated than that double date with the Siamese Triplets...
  • We're gonna look pretty silly if we're all bluffing...

Player BetsEdit

(standard)Edit

  • Is that a big bet? I've kinda lost track.
  • Not bad. Not really good, but not bad.
  • Hmmm...
  • Interesting. No wait, what's the opposite of that?

(after folding)Edit

  • Oh yeah, I definitely made the right decision.

(big bet; at least 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Sam: El betto grande!
    Max: Stop trying to be multicultural, Sam.
  • Oooh! Aaah! Fireworks noises!

BettingEdit

(general)Edit

  • I'll bet.
  • Betting.
  • I think I'll bet.
  • Okay, I'll bet.
  • I... bet.
  • I... bet?
  • I'll, uh...bet?

(small bet; less than 6x the full blind)Edit

  • I'll bet... THIS much.
  • Hmmm... I wonder what will happen if I throw in a few chips like... so.
  • This may look like a small bet, but just wait until it metastasizes.
  • Let's poke this pot with the pointy sticks of mathematical certainty.
  • Sam: Don't mind me... I'm just reeling you in like a marlin. A big, stupid marlin.
    Max: Great poker face there, Sam. Oh yeah.

(big bet; at least 6x the full blind)Edit

  • One, two, three... oh what the heck! I'll just throw in a whole bunch and see what happens!
  • Let's take these chips out for a walk.
  • This is what the French call "Le Bet Royale".
  • Sam: How would Max put this? Oh yeah. "Hikeba!"
    Max: Agh, do I really sound like that? How embarrassing.
  • This is my intimidating face. Are you intimidated yet?
  • Don't be alarmed... OK, be alarmed.

Player RaisesEdit

(standard)Edit

  • Hmmm...
  • Not bad. Not really good, but not bad.

(small raise; to make up to 4x the full blind)Edit

  • Is that a big bet? I've kinda lost track.
  • Interesting. No wait, what's the opposite of that?

(big raise; to make more than 4x the full blind)Edit

(standard)Edit
  • I don't want to alarm you, but I think you're having a psychotic break.
  • Is that a good idea? 'Cause honestly, I don't really know what I'm doing.
  • Good for you! (thumbs up)
(while still in play)Edit
  • Y'know, most people would think twice about honking off a six-foot tall dog with an itchy trigger finger.
  • Sam: Hey! I thought we were friends.
    Max: It's playing computer poker by itself, Sam. It doesn't have friends!
(after folding)Edit
  • Hey, that was Max-level mean.
  • Oh yeah, I definitely made the right decision.

RaisingEdit

(general)Edit

  • I'll raise.
  • Raise.
  • Let's raise.
  • I'll... raise!
  • I raise.
  • (menacingly) Raise...!

(small raise; to make less than 6x the full blind)Edit

  • This bet, like my beluga casserole, would look much better with a few chips sprinkled on top of it.
  • I'll call that and add a few more.
  • Normally I wouldn't raise, but you're giving off a high-pitched panicky vibe that only dogs can hear.
  • Max: (diabolically) Do it! Do it!
    Sam: Fine! Raise. (tosses chips in)

(big raise; to make at least 6x the full blind)Edit

  • I'll call that and cover it with a sloppy mess of chips.
  • I can't count that small, so I guess I'll have to raise.
  • I call that a puny pile of chips. Have some more.
  • You're not getting out of here that jauntily.
  • Sam: Allow me to turn this hootenanny into a barnburner.
    Max: "Hootenanny?" Are we Appalachians now?
  • If this doesn't drive you out of the hand, I'm gonna have to drag out Max's baby pictures.

(exclusive: reraise)Edit

  • One good raise deserves another.
  • Sam: Sorry about this raise, but sometimes my common sense is overruled by the craziest impulses!
    Max:
    I have a name, you know.
  • Sam: Hey Max, can I get some punctuation for this raise?
    Max: Bam!
  • Sam: Looks like this hand needs to be about 35 percent crazier. Max?
    Max: (shouting) Booga booga booga!
  • Sam: Maybe they call that a raise back in your hometown of Weenieville, but here in Macho Town we grow our raises a smidge bigger than that.
    Claptrap: Do they also say "smidge" a lot in Macho Town?
    Sam: In Macho Town, "smidge" is a fighting word.

Player ChecksEdit

  • Sam: I think your mouth's writing checks that haven't been properly endorsed.
    Claptrap: Humans write checks with their mouths? Ewww!
    (or, if Claptrap has either folded or been already eliminated)
    Max: Ick, Mouth-checks!
  • Interesting. No wait, what's the opposite of that?

CheckingEdit

(general)Edit

  • I'll check.
  • Check.
  • Check...!
  • Check...
  • I'll... check.
  • Check-o-rama.
  • Check-o.

(exclusive: last to check)Edit

  • Don't laugh... don't laugh!... check.
  • No sense in rocking in the boat now.
  • Max: (diabolically) Bet! Bet! Bet!
    Sam: Oh, hush. Check.
  • Sam: Hey Max, what do you think I should do?
    Max: Uh, lose 30 pounds and move out of your parents' house?
    ...or...
    Max: Tell her how you really feel before she runs away with Blaine.
    ...or...
    Max: Oh I don't know, maybe get it looked at by a REAL doctor this time?
    ...or...
    Max: Follow your dreams before they turn into nightmares?
    (Whatever he says, the conversation continues as follows.)
    Sam: About the hand, chucklehead.
    Max: Oh! Check.
  • There's a fine line between brilliance and stupidity, and I'm pretty sure we're all straddling it like a Lithuanian lap dancer. Check.
  • Sam: I haven't seen so many weak-kneed checks since Max won the Eastern Bloc Karaoke Finals.
    Max: Alles Klar, Der Kommissar! (probably a reference to Falco's song "Der Kommissar", containing the phrase "Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?" = "Everything's fine, Mr. Commissioner?")
  • (Sarcastically) Nothing like the thrill of high-stakes poker. Check.
  • Check-a-leck-a-hi check-a-hiney ho.
  • You want a check? You can't handle the check! Heh. I love that movie (reference to the "You can't handle the truth" meme).
  • The check is in the mail... and it just arrived... 'cause it was overnight... and... sorry, I don't know where I was going with that.
  • Chowder! I mean, check! Where'd THAT come from?

Player Calls a Big Bet; more than 4x the full blindEdit

  • I don't want to alarm you, but I think you're having a psychotic break.
  • Is that a good idea? 'Cause honestly, I don't really know what I'm doing.
  • Yow. Tough call.
  • Good for you! (thumbs up)

CallingEdit

(general)Edit

  • I'll... call.
  • Call. (chuckles)
  • Call.
  • I call!
  • I call.
  • Call?
  • I think I'll call.
  • I call...

(calling the blinds)Edit

  • I didn't really look at my cards, but I'm calling anyway.
  • I like these cards. Not like-like. That'd be weird.
  • I want to see what happens when these cards get together with their royal buddies.
  • Sam: I like the cut of these cards' jib. I'm in.
    GLaDOS:
    I didn't realize cards had jibs.
    Max:
    Or that you could cut them!

(calling small bet; less than 6x the full blind)Edit

  • I should raise this bet, but I kind of feel sorry for it.
  • We spend more money than that on gun oil. In a week. (holds his chips) Hold on... why do we go through so much gun oil? Anyway, call.
  • I call that bet "insignificant".
  • I could call bets this small until the cows came home, which makes me wonder why I'd be playing poker in a barn.
  • On the one hand, you're probably trying to string me along. On the other hand, that bet's so small that I just don't give a hoot! Call!

(calling big bet; at least 6x the full blind)Edit

  • My amygdala is telling me to run screaming from this bet, but what's my amygdala ever done for me anyway?
  • I probably shouldn't call this, but life's too short for good decisions.
  • That bet doesn't have nearly enough clowns to scare me away.
  • Meh, I've seen scarier piles in Bosco's restrooms. Call.
  • The doctor will see you now. Bwahahahahaaaaa...! Oh wait, I'm not a doctor.

(at the river before the showdown)Edit

(general) Edit
  • As I call, let's take a second to savor this ephemeral moment of quantum instability, before the inevitable cascade of collapsing probabilities starts killing our metaphorical poisoned cats.
  • I probably should fold, but I'm having too much fun.
  • No use turning the DeSoto around now.
  • Okay, time to see who's the biggest dummy here.
  • Let's do this thing.
(if there hasn't been a showdown in a while) Edit
  • I probably should fold...but all this folding is starting to seriously grate my carrot.
  • For the love of the game, I'm putting a stop to all this folding.

Can't Afford BlindEdit

  • Looks like it's time to start my inevitable comeback.

All InEdit

(betting/raising)Edit

(general)Edit
  • All in!
  • All in.
  • All the heck in.
  • (uncertain/anxious) Fudge... all in.
  • (menacingly) All in...!
(more than $1,200)Edit
  • Sam: All in.
    Max: Sam, no! Think of the children!
    Sam: What children?
    Max: Um...
  • I'm not just all in, I'm ALL CAPS IN!
  • All right, time to separate the cottons from the lacey unmentionables.

(calling)Edit

(general)Edit
  • I guess I'll call.
  • (sigh) In for a penny, in for a kilogram.
  • (sigh) Hope this cliff has a parachute...
  • Be gentle...
(more than $1,200)Edit
  • Max: You gonna call that?
    Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.
  • One of us just stepped into a world of pain. I hope it wasn't me, 'cause I'm not wearing any shoes.
  • Sam: Only a fool or a madman would call that bet... Unfortunately for you, my partner is both of those things.
    Max: I'm also a Pisces!

All In (reaction)Edit

(standard)Edit

  • Aw fuzznuggets.
  • Great day in the morning!

(Player Goes All In)Edit

  • Max: (falling off his seat) Yargh!

(while duelling with The Player)Edit

  • Well, dang!

Player Folds (After the Flop is Revealed)Edit

  • Are you sure about that?
  • Folding suits you. Do more of it.
  • Folding? But you could've lost so much money!

FoldingEdit

(standard)Edit

  • I fold.
  • I... fold.
  • Fold.
  • Nope.

(last to fold)Edit

  • Ah, fahrvegnugen! Fold!
  • You magnificent bastard. Take it.
  • (frustrated) Aaaaawwwwww.... take it!
  • Sam: Rats. It's yours.
    Max: Wussssssss!
    Sam: Way to undermine my confidence, little buddy.
  • As a professional detective-like guy, I really can't stand not knowing what you've got under there. But I also like keeping my money. So take it.
  • It appears that my cunning plan has taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Take it.
  • Sam: The Germans have a word for a hand like this: "Grossscrewbengefeulen". Roughly translated, "the feeling that one is about to be hosed by a particularly large wager."
    GLaDOS: That's not a real word.
    Sam: Well, it should be. I'm out.
  • That's too rich for my blood. Or even Max's blood, and it's mostly comprised of rare earth minerals!
  • I like to think that every hand has some value...but not THIS much.
  • You're probably bluffing...but then again, so am I. So I'm out.

(leaving at least two opponents still in play)Edit

  • I don't know what's going on here, but I'm pretty sure that I want no part of it.
  • This is too confusing for a simple guy like me.
  • I think I'll let you lovebirds pitch your woo without me.
  • All those years with Max have taught me that sometimes the best strategy is to curl up in a corner and let everyone else shoot at each other for a while.
  • This is shaping up to be what my granny used to call a "mother-bleepin' fudgebath." I'm out.

(pre-flop)Edit

  • I think I'll sit this one out and work on my poker face for a while.
  • I wouldn't wish these cards on my best enemy. Or my worst friend. Or a middling acquaintence. Maybe Max'd like 'em.
  • Sam: Max! (holds up his hole cards)
    Max: Banzai! (takes out his gun and shoots the cards, which are then tossed away by Sam)
    Sam: Fold.
  • These cards are a disease... and this fold is the dangerously untested cure.
  • These cards smell worse than that unspeakable thing Max brought home that one time.
  • Max'd probably bet the farm on these cards, which probably explains why we're not farmers.
  • I can't even work up the enthusiasm to dismiss these cards with an overwraught simile.
  • (evil laughter) Oh sorry. These cards just reminded me of something funny Max said about sucking chest wounds. Fold.
  • Hole cards like these should be buried in a hole and never spoken of again.
  • I COULD brazenly bluff my way through this hand, but since I just said that out loud, I think I'll fold instead.

(exclusive: consecutive pre-flop folds)Edit

  • I haven't seen a streak this ugly since Max "accidentally" sprinkled horse laxatives in the Bosco's banangatini.
  • This deck's gone colder than Max's beady little shark eyes.
  • If I'd wanted someone to fling garbage at me all night, I could've stayed home watching C-SPAN.
  • Sam: (to GLaDOS) Wait a minute, this run of crummy cards is just one of your twisted little experiments isn't it?
    GLaDOS: Maybe. Or maybe you're just too cowardly to turn lemons into lemonade.
  • Looks like I'm folding... again.
  • Sam: Max'd love these last few hands. But then again, Max also loves poking himself in the eye with a stick.
    Max: (with a finger in his eye) Hey Sam! I've think I've hit (slowly) brrrraaaain!
  • Sam: *sigh* If I was the kind of guy who used words like "jinxed," this is the kind of moment I'd use it.
    Claptrap: But since you're not that kind of guy, what word ARE you gonna use?
    Sam: "Boned?"

(anytime after the flop is revealed) Edit

  • Well, THIS was a big mistake. And not one of the "we'll all laugh about it later" kinds, either.
  • It's time to lance this boil before its pus gets all over my chips.
  • That's one itch I shouldn't have scratched.
  • Ah well. It was worth a shot. A series of painful rabies shots.

(at the flop)Edit

  • Sam: Okay, I'll just stuff that into the "bad idea" file, along with Max's Kickstarter.
    Max: It would've WORKED if I knew what a Kickstarter was.
  • (also applies when leaving at least two opponents still in play)
    Sam: It's times like this I wish I had Max's devil-may-care attitude about money.
    Max: (playing with paper currencies) Hey Sam, I'm wadding up twenties and making it graupel! Wheeeeeeeee! Mon-EEEEY!
  • You know how sometimes you bust a punk for robbing a bank, and it all seems to be going well until 23 random bystanders show up with proof that the punk was really in Coney Island judging a corn dog eating contest at the exact same time he was supposed to be robbing the bank? Well, this hand is exactly like that, only without the police brutality lawsuits.
  • Clown-piercing bullets are too expensive to waste on a hand like this.
  • I haven't seen a flop that bad since Max and I busted Dick Fosbury's evil twin.

(at the turn)Edit

  • I'm washing my hands of this hand before I get sepsis.
  • Well, sometimes you get the bear...and sometimes you get the bear and realize you're stuck with a bear.
  • Sometimes an investigation leads to a dead end. And like most dead ends, this one's full of garbage and sleeping hobos.
  • *sigh* This is what I get for listening to the voices in Max's head.
  • These cards turned ugly faster than Max on a Fanta bender.

(at the river)Edit

  • (annoyed) Aw, grawlix! Fold!
  • Like most of my adventures, this hand has left me confused, nauseous and broke. Fold.
  • I'm not used to being the slappee in hand-slapping situations.
  • It's hands like this that remind me why I usually let Max handle all the impulsive gambling decisions.
  • I think this hand has taught us all a very important lesson... but I'll be danged if I can figure out what.
  • *sigh* This hand has been as demoralizing as my couples' therapy.

Large Pot (at least $20,000)Edit

  • Holy hip-hopping Halifax with a side of chili fries!
  • I haven't seen a pot that big since the attack of the 50 foot sous chef.

Showdown (Before Hole Card Reveal)Edit

  • Is it too late for a nice friendly game of Whack-a-Rat?
  • Aces are high, right?

Showdown Card Reveal (Positive)Edit

(general; 66%-100%)Edit

  • Ah!
  • Oh yeah!
  • Yes!
  • Nice!
  • Yippee!
  • Yay!
  • All righty!
  • Nooo! I mean, yes!
  • Holyoake Massachussets!

(after hole card reveal; 66%-99%)Edit

  • That's good right? For me I mean.

Showdown Card Reveal (Negative)Edit

(general; 0%-34%)Edit

  • Aw, no.
  • Dang!
  • Rats.
  • Frakking Frell!
  • Asterisks!
  • Crabcakes!
  • Shazbot!
  • Belgium!
  • (angry growling)

(after hole card reveal; 1%-34%)Edit

  • Oof. I think I just got kicked in the statisticals.

(exclusive: 0% chance of winning before the river is revealed)Edit

  • Max: Ooooh, you're the walking dead! Get it?
    Sam: No.
  • Zero probability is still a probablity, right?
  • (To the tune of the "Funeral March") ♪ Dum, dum, da dum, dum, da dum, dum, dummy, dum... ♪
  • Looks like I've gone belly up, and so has my hand.
  • Oof, I'm drawing deader than Zombie Picasso.

Showdown Card Reveal (Uncertain/Even Probability; 35%-65%)Edit

(after hole card reveal)Edit

  • Urrrr...
  • You know what they say - when fate closes a door, luck opens a window, and karma deactivates the alarm system.
  • Now I'm more confused than chicken playing cricket. Or was that a cricket playing chicken?
  • Hmmm...

During ShowdownEdit

  • Come on, come on...

WinningEdit

(winning a showdown and/or duelling with The Player)Edit

  • Hey, I won! Neat!
  • The next time you play, you might want to have better cards.
  • Never bet against a Freelance Policeman on the edge... of his seat.
  • You didn't stand a chance once I decided to win.
  • Sam: Come to papa, little chips!
    Max:
    Don't anthropomorphize the money, Max. I mean Sam.

(stealing the pot/everyone folds to him)Edit

  • Don't be discouraged. Running in fear is a pretty natural response to a six-foot tall dog with a gun.
  • Y'know, if you keep indulging my transparent dishonesty, I'm gonna have to run for Congress.
  • Sam: Just so you know, I was bluffing my butt off in that hand.
    (The following lines only appear if Ash is still at the table)
    Ash: Looks like you've still got an extra butt or two to spare, chief.
    (Sam looks downcast.)
    Max: Oooh!
  • That was easy... TOO easy.
  • Sam: It's a good thing you all dropped out... I had a Royal Butterfly.
    (The following lines are only used if Brock is still at the table)
    Brock: Uh, that, uh... that's not a real hand.
    Sam: Not yet.

(exclusive: consecutive wins)Edit

  • Is this what good luck feels like?
  • Sam: More chips for me? I don't know what to say!
    Max: Try "Djibouti", Sam!
  • Sam: Hey, I won again! I wonder what that means.
    Max: It means you're on a roll, baby. Bet everything!
  • Sam: I know this little winning streak is just random luck, but-
    Max: IN YOUR FACE, SUCKAHS! AHAHAHAHA!
    Sam: What he said.
  • Winning streaks are like dating a beautiful woman. Enjoy them while you can, because it's only a matter of time before they dump you for being "weird" and "clingy".

(exclusive: after a long winless streak)Edit

  • Sam: Wait, was that a pity win?
    GLaDOS: No.
    Brock: Nooooooo.
    Ash: No way.
    Claptrap: Maybe.
  • Sam: That's a relief! One more losing hand and I would've been forced to tag in Max!
    Max:
     AWW!
  • Sam: That's more like it.
    Claptrap: More like what?
    Sam: It.
    Max: What?
    Sam: That.
    Claptrap: What is it?
    Max: It's more like something.
    Sam: Annnnd scene.
  • Sam: It's about time. I was starting to feel like, like -
    GLaDOS:
    A useless cog in an engine of despair?
    ...or...

    Brock:
    A eunuch in a strip club?
    ...or...

    Claptrap:
    A hopeless loser?
    ...or...
    Ash: A rubber knife in a chainsaw fight?
    To either of the suggested similes, Sam will reply as follows.
    Sam:
    Um, no. But thanks for making me lose my train of thought. 

Gets Good Hand (Straight or Better), But Still Didn't WinEdit

  • Sam: Holy dubstepping Krishna on a souped-up Segway! What was that?
    GLaDOS:
     You lost.
  • Sam: That's not fair.
    GLaDOS: Fair? Are you suggesting that I'm...unfair?
    Sam: Oh, no, no, no. You're the fairest killer robot I've ever seen.
    Max: Smooooth, Sam.
  • That's the kind of loss that'll linger for weeks... or until Max does something funny. (Max makes armpit fart noises) Right. Where were we?
  • (in frustration) Pound symbol ampersand dollar sign!
  • I hate to see a good hand go to waste like that.

Player Wins With a Good Hand (AK, QQ, KK, AA or at least Three of a Kind)/Wins a Hand in Omaha Hold 'EmEdit

  • If I had a hand like that it'd look really weird on the end of my dog arm.
  • I don't think even Harry Moleman would've messed up that hand.
  • Nice job keeping victory squarely in the jaw of victory.
  • Don't get cocky, kid.

Player Has a Bad Hand (High Card/One Pair)Edit

  • Ew. You probably should've gotten out of that hand.
  • Well, that was...unique.
  • Wow, gutsy AND stupid. Well done.
  • Sam: Ick. I don't even think Max would've stayed in with those cards.
    Max: Blech!
  • Psst, buddy... I don't wanna tell you how to play, but you really should've folded.
  • A polite opponent would've folded that crummy hand.

Loses With an Even Worse Hand Than The Player (High Card)Edit

  • Sam: I don't know how I lost to that.
    GLaDOS: Would you like me to explain to you in very small words?
  • Sam: Hey Max, get a picture! I just found a new and more hilarious way to lose!
    Max: Sorry Sam, I left my camera in my other pants.
    Sam: But you don't- Nevermind.

Splitting the PotEdit

  • I hate ties. They're so...balanced.
  • Humph. Maybe we could flip for it?

Starting a Duel with the PlayerEdit

(general)Edit

  • Hey, look, we're the only players left. Darwin's probably spinning in his grave!
  • Oh, great. How'm I gonna make small talk with a mute?
  • Looks like it's just you and me. I hope you brought some antibiotics, 'cause this is gonna sting.

(exclusive: within the first raising of the blinds)Edit

  • Sam: I haven't seen a table clear that fast since Max's stuffed tripe Thanksgiving feast.
    Max: The stuffing is tripe!

(exclusive: while the Bounty Item is out) Edit

  • Looks like it's time to take out the ol' banjo-picking trash.

Player is EliminatedEdit

(general)Edit

  • Aw, and here I was just starting to contain my nausea at your hideous visage.
  • Sam: Hey, little buddy! Do we have a parting gift for our new friend?
    Max: Only seething contempt, Sam!
    Sam: Well, that's just swell.
  • Whew! That's a relief. The way those eyes kept staring at us all the time... (shudders)
  • Next time, try to let a guy get a word in edgewise, okay?

(while the Bounty Item is out)Edit

  • (Sam hasn't been eliminated yet)
    Sam:
    THAT'S a relief! WIthout my banjo, I was starting to have a Rocky Mountain Breakdown!

Eliminated From PlayEdit

  • Well, it was only money. At least we've still got each other, right Max? (Sam turns out, but Max looks bitterly disappointed, hanging his head) Max?
  • Sam: Hmm. Maybe next time I should read up on poker strategies instead of reading funny lists on the Internet.
    Max: Hey Sam, check it out! "6 Pivotal Moments in History that Depended on Lunch Meats"!
    Sam: Curse you, Max.
  • Sam: Are you sure about that? 'Cause I think Max stole one of my chips.
    GLaDOS: I'm sure.
    Max: Jeez Sam, have a little dignity.
  • Sam: What in the name of Walt Whitman's six-cylinder riding lawnmower just happened there?
    GLaDOS: You lost. Would you like me to run a holographic replay?
    Sam: No thanks. Max?
    Max: Yes?
    Sam: Take me someplace funny. Like the zoo.
    Max: Sure, Sam.
  • Sam: I can't believe we got all dolled up for nothing.
    Max: (drunkenly) Speak for yourself, Sam. I've made a couple hundred bucks cleaning out the beer gutters. Whee!
  • Sam: I think I've learned a very important lesson tonight.
    Max: "Wheat bread is NOT an effective coagulant."
    Sam: It's cute when you jam words together like you know what they mean.
  • Sam: I knew I shouldn't have listened to Max.
    Max: Hey, don't drag MY fuzzy little butt into your Lame Cycle.
  • You've won THIS time, Lady Luck. But I'll be back, and like a rat in a maze, I'll be smarter, faster, and hungry for cheese.

Player Wins the Tournament (Inventory-Themed Tournaments Only)Edit

  • That's all? I thought there'd be a swimsuit competition.
  • I knew I should have read up on the rules before coming down here.
  • Sam: Ooh, Max is never gonna let me hear the end of this.
    Max: ♪ You lost to a ne-erd, you lost to a ne-erd! ♪ Everybody!
  • Sam: Nice game! Any chance for a rematch?
    Max: To... (zoom in on Max) THE DEATH?

Player Wins the Bounty ChallengeEdit

  • Sam: Dang, there goes my banjo! Guess I'll have to take up the oboe.
    Max seems quite unhappy.

Winning the TournamentEdit

  • Sam: And THAT's how we do things downtown, homies!
    Max: "We"?
    (beat)
    Sam: That's how I do things downtown, homies!
    Max: "Homies"?
  • One hundred K! That should just about cover last week's wrongful arrest lawsuits!
  • Sam: Score one for the Freelance Popo!
    Max: Don't say "Popo," Sam.
  • A few more tournaments, and I can finally buy that vocal reconstructive surgery that everyone keeps bugging me about.
  • Wow, that was like taking candy from a bunch of hard-drinking, foul-mouthed babies.
  • Sam: Hey, Max! Call up the commissioner and tell him we're taking a three-month road trip!
    Max: House on the Rock?
    Sam: House on the Rock!
    Max: Yaaaay!

Player is IdleEdit

  • Sam: Hey, Max? Check on the mime, will ya?
    Max: (pops up in front of the camera) Don't walk into the liiiiight...
  • Okay, let's just ignore the baby until he makes his move.

  • Sam: Don't make me send Max over there!
    Max: I've got a rubber chicken and I'm not afraid to use it!

  • Stop staring at me!

  • Yo, slothy! Some of us are aging in dog-minutes over here.

  • Is this some kind of stalling tactic?

SpecialEdit

Many players fold

  • Sam: I haven't seen so much folding since Max and I busted that underground bed making contest.
    Max:
    That never happened, Sam!
    ...or...
    Max: There was blood and goosefeathers everywhere!
    ...or...
    Max: Those skells bounced off the sheets like quarters!

Lots of showdowns have taken place recently

  • Sam: The tension of all these showdowns is nigh unbearable.
    Claptrap:
    I hope it lasts!

No one has been eliminated by the first raising of the blinds

  • Could one of you guys drop out? Crowds make me nervous.

Above condition while the Bounty Item is Out

  • Are you sure you want my banjo? You strike me more of a mandolin type.
  • Psst! If you give up now, I'll let you know where Max keeps his gun!

When Getting a DrinkEdit

  • A drink? Well, I don't usually indulge, but I don't usually blow Max's college money on games of chance, either. Thanks!
  • Sam: Another drink? My taste buds are tingling!
    Max: That's your liver's distress signal, Sam.
  • Opa!
  • Sam: Nothing like a good drink with close friends.
    Max: Maybe later we'll go home and try both.
  • Sam: I hope you're not trying to get me drunk. Max and I have mastered the secret art of maintaining sobriety.
    Max: So... "Slapping Each Other in the Face" is an art now?

Drinking Edit

  • (belch)
  • (hiccup)
  • Blegh! (coughing)

Initiating ConversationsEdit

With BrockEdit

  • Sam: You play a lot of poker, Brock?
    Brock: Look, I know my way around a table. Of course, the stakes I play for are usually... juicier.
    Sam: "Juicier"? Like Mookie Wilson rookie cards juicier?
    Brock: Well, "juicier" like launch codes, pinkie fingers, sexual favors, that kind of thing.
    Depending on Brock's luck at the time of the question, Sam could say one of the following:
    Sam: I guess it's a good thing the stakes are so low tonight; the way your luck's been running, you'd be out of fingers by now!
    ...or...
    Sam: Too bad the stakes are so low tonight; the way your luck's running, you could've been in for some smoochies!
    Either way, Brock will answer Sam as follows.
    Brock: The night's still young.
  • Sam: Y'know, Brock, you remind me of someone.
    Brock: I get that a lot. People say I talk like some guy they saw on television.
    Sam:
    Nah, it's not that... (*realizes*) Sal!
    Brock: Sal?
    Sam:
    Sal the giant talking cockroach! Helluva guy, Sal, you woulda liked him.
    Brock:
    Oh, he's dead?
    Sam:
    He gave his life to save the city from my partner's super-ego.
    Brock: Super-ego, right...
    Sam:
    No, really! Max's super-ego had a collosal hissy fit and turned Max into some sort of rampaging elder god (*Max winks*) and our friend Sybil was thirteen months pregnant, and Stinky and Sal were making out and... (*Brock looks him suspiciously*) Wow, it really does sound crazy when I say it out loud.
    Max: I still believe you Sam.

With ClaptrapEdit

  • Sam: Have you been merchandised yet, Claptrap?
    Claptrap: Have I been merchandised? Bubelah, my image is plastered on so much crap that even I'M getting sick of it! Coffee mugs, t-shirts, feminine hygiene products... and that's not even counting the 43 different action figures.
    Sam: (intrigued) Action figures?
    Claptrap: Oh yeah. You want one?
    Sam: (excitedly) Yeah! (normal) Uh, not for me, of course. It's for my, uh, friend, Max.
    Max: Don't go dragging me into your arrested adolescence.
    Claptrap: Tell you what. Meet me behind the Inventory after the tournament, and I'll set your "friend" up with a rare mint-condition "Worm Dancing" Claptrap.
    Sam: (victoriously) Yes! ...I-I mean, I'm sure Max'll be very happy.
  • Sam: You're more emotional than most of the robots I've met.
    Claptrap: All CL4P-TP General Purpose Robots are equipped with 8th Generation Emotive Resonators, allowing them to mimic a panoply of human emotions, ranging from sarcastic sympathy to wildly unbridled enthusiasm!
    Sam: So you don't actually feel emotions, you just fake them?
    Claptrap: There's a difference?
    Sam: Uh, lemme get back to you on that.
  • Sam: Something's been bothering me about you.
    Claptrap: Is it my raw animal magnetism?
    Sam: Well yeah, but what I'm really wondering about is your wheel.
    Claptrap: What about it? I don't have toilet paper stuck on it again, do I?
    Sam: No, but you've only got one. How do you stay balanced?
    Claptrap: Omigod, you're right! Aieeee! (Claptrap sways, ready to fall of his chair, but gets over) Just kidding. I got more gyroscopes up in here than the Hubble.

With Brock and ClaptrapEdit

  • Sam: Five.
    Brock: Five what?
    Sam: Fingers. You've got five of 'em. I only have four.
    Brock: Yeah, I've been trying not to stare.
    Sam: What's it like, having five?
    Brock: It uh, is what it is. The pinky comes in really handy when you're choking someone out.
    Sam: Ooh, Max'd like that.
    Brock: So uh, what's it like with four?
    Sam: Can't complain. Between the fingers and toes, I'm practically built for the computer age.
    Brock: Yeah, how so?
    Max: We're hexcidecimal, baby!
    (Sam and Max both hold up their hands)
    Sam: I guess you could say for us, the computer age has been a regular (camera zooms in on Sam) digital revolution.
    Claptrap: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
    Sam: Don't do that.
    Claptrap: Sorryyyyyyyyy!
  • Sam: Is it true that Doc Venture was in a video game back in the '70s?
    Brock: Yeah, uh... back in the cartoon days, someone thought it'd be a good idea to turn Rusty's adventures into a video game. It, uh... made that E.T. game look like Halo.
    Claptrap: What about you, big guy? You ever star in a video game?
    Brock: Not, uh... intentionally.
    Sam: A comment that cryptic usually comes with a story.
    Brock: A few years back some punks snuck my image into a Mortal Kombat knock-off as one of those unlockable Easter Egg deals.
    Claptrap: Mortal Kombat knock-off, hmm... Immortal Bomcat! Th-that-that was you! Wh-wh-what did they call you?
    Brock: (angry look) ...Tutu Blondie.
    Claptrap: Tutu Blondie! With the Death Smooch fatality move, oh yeah! I-I-I think I even have a sound file...
    (Claptrap plays a tape)
    Brock's voice (on tape): Missed me, missed me, now you have to kiss me!
    Sam: Sounds like you had a promising side-career there, Brock. What happened?
    Brock: The company went bankrupt...with extreme prejudice.
  • Sam: Did you know that there are jellyfish that can live forever?
    Brock: Yeah, but who wants to be an immortal jellyfish?
    Sam: I guess that would be pretty dull. Drift, drift, drift, sting. Drift, drift, drift, sting...
    Claptrap: You know, as long as I get fresh batteries every couple hundred years, I'm pretty sure that I'M effectively immortal. That's really depressing!
    Sam: I wouldn't worry about it. The way you're going, I'm pretty sure someone'll put you of your misery long before the ennui of immortality kicks in.
    Claptrap: Promise?
    Brock: Trust me, I'll pull the trigger myself.

With Brock and AshEdit

  • Sam: Sometimes I wish I had a giant mandible like you guys.
    Ash: Hey! Who gave you permission to look at my mandible!?
    Brock: He's talking about our chins, dumbass.
    Ash: Oh. I-I knew that.
    Sam: You two have such manly, dame-swooning jawbones, while I'm stuck with this petite little thing.
    Ash: It's not the size of your chin, Sam. It's what you do with it that counts.

With GLaDOS and AshEdit

  • Sam: Y'know, I love a moody noir setting as much as the next hard-boiled cop-like guy, but do you think you could turn up the lights a little? I'd like to get a better look at the cockroaches nibbling my toes.
    GLaDOS: I'm afraid I can't do that Sam. And those aren't cockroaches.
    Ash: Can't, or won't?
    GLaDOS: Management froze me out of the lighting systems after I created a strobe effect to induce seizures in a bus full of Freemasons. It was an...illuminating experiment.
    Ash: You made that up just for the pun, didn't you?
    GLaDOS: Maybe. Say "cheese". (camera flash from her "eye")
  • Sam: I hate to be THAT guy, but your chainsaw's leaking on my pants.
    Ash: Sorry about that, Marmaduke. I just like to be prepared.
    Sam: For what, an attack of the triffids?
    Ash: Triffids, deadites, vampires, nightmare demons. Or maybe just your everyday killer robot.
    GLaDOS: Chainsaws. Like those would work.

With Claptrap and GLaDOSEdit

  • (only happens during/after Claptrap and GLaDOS' Brief Dating Days)
    Sam: You're more emotional than most of the robots I've met.
    Claptrap: All CL4P-TP General Purpose Robots are equipped with 8th Generation Emotive Resonators, allowing them to mimic a panoply of human emotions from sarcastic sympathy to wildly unbridled enthusiasm!
    Sam: So you don't actually feel emotions, you just fake them?
    Claptrap: Ummmm...
    GLaDOS: Don't worry. I'm faking it, too.

With Brock, Claptrap, and AshEdit

  • Sam: My eyes are up here, Ash.
    Ash: I'm just trying to figure out why you wear pants and your buddy over there doesn't.
    Sam: Max says he likes the feel of the wind against his unspeakable nether regions.
    Claptrap: Him and me both, brother!
    (Max appears alongside Claptrap and they both raise their arms up)
    Claptrap and Max: Wheee!
    Brock: Well, there goes my libido for a week.
    Ash: But why do YOU wear pants, Sam?
    Sam: Because they match my jacket.
    Ash: Uhhhh, never mind.
  • Sam: Oh dang. I just caught myself thinking about thinking again.
    Brock: Ooh, metacognition spirals. Nasty.
    Sam: Is that where you keep staring at your hands while your internal volume is cranked up to 11?
    Ash: That sounds more like a stroke.
    Claptrap: Walk into the light!
    Sam: (belches) Whoops. Guess it was just gas.
  • Sam: I don't know about you guys, but I love living in the 21st century. Pull top soup cans, resealable bags of shredded cheese, obese criminals who obligingly wear their pants below their behinds for easy tripping. It's a golden age.
    Brock: And what about the medical stuff? They're making pills that unleash tiny robots into your arteries! How awesome is that?
    Ash: Robots, shmobots! At S-Mart, we've started selling these jackets that dry themselves when they get wet!
    Claptrap: Oh, you guys are gonna be SO bummed when the robot invasion comes.

With GLaDOS, Brock and ClaptrapEdit

  • (only happens when Ash is eliminated)
    Sam: That Ash guy's a little... what's the word?
    Brock: Nervous?
    Claptrap: Effed up?
    GLaDOS: Dangerously unbalanced?
    Sam: Sure, let's go with those.
    Claptrap: Can you blame him? He's not like the rest of us born-for-adventure types. Ash Williams is just a normal guy, thrust into a world of insanity.
    Sam: What happened to him?
    Claptrap: Legend has it that one day, he opened the wrong book at the wrong time, and that ever since then, he's been a magnet for demons, succubi, and the armies of hell. (Claptrap plays a tape of growling monsters)
    Sam: That happened to Max for a few weeks after he read The Fountainhead.

With GLaDOS, Brock and AshEdit

  • Sam: Not that I've been staring uncomfortably at your rock-hard abs or anything, but you guys seem pretty fit.
    Brock: You goin' anywhere with this?
    Sam: How do you keep off the weight?
    Ash: Mostly by running and screaming. Swinging around a chainsaw's also great for the lats.
    Brock: (proudly) Well, I...I'm more of an isometrics kind of guy. Twisting necks until they splinter takes a crate load of dynamic tension.
    Sam: I do that kind of stuff all the time, but my belly's still as jiggly and off-putting as a Three's Company reunion special.
    GLaDOS: It could be your diet. An analysis of your saliva indicates that your internal organs are almost entirely comprised of cellophane-wrapped meat byproducts, mass-produced spongelike deserts, and an impenetrable substance known only as "Fudgey Freezes".
    Sam: Wait a minute, those things are BAD for me?
    GLaDOS: Initially, yes. Now, the preservatives are the only thing keeping you alive. Of course, they're also responsible for your... girth. It's a bit of a Catch-22. I love those.
  • Sam: Any of you got some advice on looking for a new barber?
    Ash: What happened to your old one?
    Sam: He's getting too old and shaky to navigate around my neck folds.
    Max: And his barbershop smells like cabbage!
    GLaDOS: You could try looking at barbershop reviews on the Internet. Those are always accurate and trustworthy.
    Ash: I get my hair cut by the students at the barber college across from the S-Mart. Sure, I sometimes get an accidental Shemp-style, but it's totally worth the extra ten bucks in my pocket.
    Brock: The only person who's allowed to come near my head with a pair of scissors is Mrs. Lily over at Happy Pretty Lady Hair and Nails. But she's kind of on an exclusive contract.
    Sam: I guess I'll just have to let Max cut it for a while.
    (Max looks over with a big, evil grin on his face)
  • (only happens when Claptrap is eliminated)
    Sam: Does it make me a bad person to say that I'm kind of happy that Claptrap's busted out?
    Brock: (chuckling) Well, you- you're not really a person, you're more of an anthropomorphic dog-thing.
    Sam: Thanks?
    Ash: What steroid-breath is trying to say is, don't worry about it. Claptrap's a funny, uh, robot but he can get a little annoying after a while.
    Brock: Like that rabbity thing that keeps popping up over your shoulder.
    Max: Ooh-ho-ho-ho! Burrrrrrrrn! (suddenly realising he's being compared to Claptrap) Wait a minute...
    GLaDOS: He isn't that bad. Compared to the rest of you.
    ...or exclusively during Claptrap and GLaDOS' Brief Dating Days...
    GLaDOS: Do humans usually insult someone's boyfriend in front of their face or did you forget I was here?

With GLaDOS, Claptrap and AshEdit

  • Sam: Not that I'm complaining, but is it always so quiet in here?
    GLaDOS: The Inventory has seen a 23 percent decline in customers since I was installed as the dealer.
    Ash: I can't imagine why, what with your sunny personality and all.
    GLaDOS: I have several competing hypotheses for this phenomena, but the most likely one is that the fleeing customers were intimitated by my intelligence. Or maybe they died. That happens a lot when I'm around.
    Claptrap: Have I mentioned how much I love it when you scare the humans?
    ...or, after Claptrap and Glados' Brief Dating Days...
    Claptrap: Yay, passive aggressiveness. THAT never gets tiresome.

To The PlayerEdit

  • Sam: You remind me of someone.
    Max: Everyone reminds you of someone, Sam.
    Sam: That's it! You remind me of everyone! And no one. Weird.
  • Sam: Sure is exciting, isn't it? (silence) Glad you agree.
  • Sam: What's a dazzling urbanite like yourself doing in a dive like this, anyway?
    Depending on The Player's luck at the time of the question, Max could say one of the following:
    Max: You mean BESIDES taking all your money?
    ...or...
    Max: You mean BESIDES haemorrhaging money like a teenager with a gold card?
    Either way, the conversation continues as follows:
    GLaDOS: The Player has been invited by the Owner to add spice to tonight's game.
    Sam: That probably explains the overwhelming smell of oregano.

Continuing a ConversationEdit

  • Anyway...
  • Anyhow...
  • So like I was saying...
  • Anyhoo...
  • So, where was I? Oh yeah...

Trial-Only, Prompt to Buy Full GameEdit

  • My furry little friend and I don't like hanging out with freeloaders, and neither does Max.

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